JURASSIC PARK — A scientist working on the seventh iteration of Jurassic Park asked his bosses today if perhaps they should consider making the dinosaurs out of papier-mâché this time.
Babylon Bee
Progress: A.I. Now Only Racist Against Italians
SUNNYVALE, CA — In a clear sign of progress, developers confirmed that A.I. was now only racist against Italians.
Malfunction As Animatronic Trump Keeps Rounding Up All The Mexican Guests And Deporting Them From Disney World
ORLANDO, FL — What began as a normal day at the Magic Kingdom descended into a near-riot atmosphere, as — due to a malfunction — The Hall of Presidents’ animatronic Donald Trump kept rounding up all of the Mexican guests and attempting to deport them from Disney World.
Dumbledore Starting To Wonder If Having A House Filled With Racist Murderers Named After Snakes Such A Good Idea
HOGWARTS — Headmaster Albus Dumbledore admitted he was beginning to question the sensibility of having an entire house of students named after an evil snake that’s dedicated to perpetuating racist ideas and destroying Hogwarts.
Life’s Struggles Causing Atheist To Lose His Faith In The Existence Of Nothing
BOSTON, MA — Local atheist and president of The Enlightened Rationalist Guild of Supreme Cognition (ERGSC) Steve Wimbly admitted to several close friends that recent struggles had shaken his faith in the existence of nothing.
MTG Press Conference On Cloud Seeding Interrupted By Tornado
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Chaos ensued outside the U.S. Capitol yesterday, as Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene’s press conference on cloud seeding was suddenly interrupted by a massive tornado.
Gavin Newsom Declares California A Sanctuary State For Child Slavery
SACRAMENTO, CA — In the latest front on his war against the Trump administration’s immigration policies, Governor Gavin Newsom officially declared California a sanctuary state for child slavery.
Pam Bondi Confirms Greedo Shot First
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following an extensive investigation, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi held a press conference to announce that the Department of Justice had officially confirmed that Greedo shot first.
New White Sox City Connect Jerseys Feature Bullet Holes, Realistic Blood Splatter
CHICAGO, IL — White Sox fans were going wild for their team’s brand-new Citty Connect Jerseys, which vividly reflect life in Chi-Town with realistic bullet holes and blood splatters.
9 Exciting New Inclusive Barbies
With Mattel’s introduction of a Barbie doll with Type 1 diabetes, the toy industry was abuzz with rumors of other inclusive Barbie dolls that could be on the way.