LOS ANGELES, CA — After multiple days of late-night mail-in ballot drops finally being tallied, it was discovered that Joe Biden had won the Los Angeles mayoral race with an astonishing 81 million votes.
Babylon Bee
Should You Believe All Women? A Handy Flowchart
Oh no! A woman has accused a political candidate of vile deeds! But should you believe them?
Trump Repairs The Crack In The Liberty Bell
PHILADELPHIA, PA — President Donald Trump proudly announced on Friday that he had repaired the crack on the Liberty Bell, outraging millions of Americans.
Liberals Give Us Their 10 Most Convincing Arguments For Abortion
Among Americans, there remains an ever-growing divide between those who are pro-life and those who are pro-killing-their-baby. In an attempt to bridge this divide, The Babylon Bee interviewed thousands of liberals to hear their compelling reasons to murder infants.
Keir Starmer Warns UK About Rise Of Murdererphobia
‘Obsession’ Director Says He Got Idea For Horror Movie Having Once Met A Woman
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Director Curry Barker has a surprise hit on his hands with his indie horror movie Obsession, which has especially connected with Gen Z audiences. Barker said he got the idea for his frightening movie from a real-life source. "I once met a woman!" Barker exclaimed.
Graham Platner Reassures Voters That There Are Probably Only 14 Or 15 More Horrific Revelations To Come
SULLIVAN, ME — Following yet another scandal that engulfed his campaign for a U.S. Senate seat in Maine, Democrat Graham Platner reassured voters that there were probably only 14 or 15 more horrific revelations to come.
40-Year Old Man Now Spends Inordinate Amount Of Time Researching Electrolytes
SAN ANTONIO, TX — Sources confirmed that local 40-year-old Marcus Harper officially entered the developmental stage of adulthood characterized by an intense, borderline-religious obsession with researching electrolytes.
John Bolton Pleads Guilty, Sentenced To 5-Year Imprisonment At SeaWorld
SAN DIEGO, CA — According to breaking news reports, John Bolton agreed to plead guilty to one count of illegally retaining classified national security information in exchange for only serving five years confined to a walrus exhibit at Sea World.
10 Irrefutable Proofs Russia Is Better Than The U.S.
Sociological experts and podcasters agree: Living in Russia is far superior to living in the United States. From their pristine subways and plentiful grocery stores to the clearly secure and not-at-all-suspect way they hold elections, Russia is the place to be.