CHICAGO, IL — A fifth-grade teacher at Lincoln Elementary reportedly admonished her classroom on Thursday, asking the kids to please raise their hands to be called on instead of firing pistols into the air.
Babylon Bee
State Of Massachusetts Declared Incompetent By Reason Of Insanity
U.S. — The State of Massachusetts has officially been ruled incompetent by reason of insanity.
Powerful: Gloria Steinem Refuses To Allow Satan To Hold Door To Hell Open For Her
HELL — Feminist icon Gloria Steinem refused to allow Satan to hold the door open for her on the way into hell, in what many are calling her final act against the Patriarchy.
Adventurous Gourmet Samples The Exotic Delicacies Of The Far East At Local Chinese Buffet
PEMBROKE PINES, FL — An adventurous gourmet with an eye for rare edible treasures was reportedly eager to sample the exotic delicacies of the Far East at local Chinese buffet Super Dragon #1.
Pete Hegseth Sets Up ‘Help Us Buy Missiles’ Lemonade Stand
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth set up a lemonade stand by the Reflecting Pool in order to raise money to allow the military to purchase more missiles.
Progressive Church To Allow Mail-In Attendance
PORTLAND, ME — Progressive local church First United Methodist of Portland announced that it would now be offering a mail-in attendance option for its parishioners.
Tiger Woods’ License Suspended After Court Determines He Is Half-Asian
JUPITER, FL — A Florida court suspended golf legend Tiger Woods’ driver’s license for five years after an investigation determined that he is half-Asian.
Sad: Kathy Hochul Tries To Warn People Republicans Will Take Away Women’s Rights, But Her Mouth Is Covered By Hijab
NEW YORK, NY — Governor Kathy Hochul desperately tried to warn New Yorkers that Republicans were taking away women’s rights, but no one in the room could hear her because her mouth was covered by a hijab.
The Babylon Bee Guide To Boomer Slang
Connecting with the older folk can be a challenge, especially when you have a hard time understanding what they’re saying. But don’t worry, if you put your mind to it, you can learn to communicate with even the lamest of old heads.
Sauron Insists He Only Tried To Enslave All Of Middle-Earth Because He Was Suffering From Postpartum Depression
BARAD-DÛR, MORDOR — Accused of attempting to enslave all the free peoples of Middle-earth and cover the land with darkness, the Dark Lord Sauron explained he only did it because he was suffering from postpartum depression.