SALT LAKE CITY, UT — The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is in the midst of preparations for what it says is the busiest time of the year for its missionaries — the one evening every year when everyone opens their doors: Halloween.
Babylon Bee
DHS Agents Seize Ilhan Omar’s Phone But Decide To Let Her Keep Pager
Brought to you by:
Drunken Partiers On Streets Of Milwaukee Surprised To Learn Brewers Won World Series
MILWAUKEE, WI — Drunken partiers stumbling down the streets of downtown Milwaukee were reportedly surprised to learn the Brewers had won the World Series.
Duolingo Introduces ‘Kamala Harris’ As Its Newest Language
PITTSBURG, PA — Language learning app Duo Lingo announced this week that it will be rolling out a new language called "Kamala Harris" to help people understand the former Vice President.
9 Subtle Clues Your Wife Is Pregnant
Sponsored by:
Zombie At Halloween Party Turns Out To Just Be Mitch McConnell
WASHINGTON, DC — A man thought to be wearing a terrifying zombie costume at an area Halloween party turned out to be Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell.
Abdul El-Sayed Promises To Any Jews Who Vote for Him That He’ll Kill Them Last
LANSING, MI — Democratic Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed sought to reassure nervous Jewish citizens that if they vote for him, he will kill them last.
Doctor’s Office Sends Helpful Appointment Reminder Via Email, Phone, Text, Certified Letter, Telegram, Carrier Pigeon, And Smoke Signal
ARVADA, CO — The local dentist office of Doctor Carl M. Higgins continued the practice of sending his patients an appointment reminder email, phone call, text, certified letter, telegram, carrier pigeon, and smoke signal.
Dog, Toddler Team Up to Make Sure You Are Doing Okay on the Toilet
U.S. — According to reports, toddlers and dogs across the nation have teamed up to make sure you are doing okay on the toilet.
Democrats Announce Counteroffer Of $1,000,001 To Not Report Voter Fraud
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After President Trump announced a million-dollar reward for anyone who reported voter fraud, Democrats unveiled a counteroffer of one million and one dollars to not report voter fraud.