PI-RAMESSES — Mighty Pharaoh (may he live forever) has reportedly released the Hebrews from their bondage after the land was afflicted by a plague of political fundraising texts.
Babylon Bee
Cowboys Fans Concerned Another Loss Could Make It Difficult For Team To Choke In Playoffs
ARLINGTON, TX — Cowboys fans expressed growing concern this week that another regular-season loss could jeopardize the team’s opportunity to suffer a humiliating collapse in the first round of the playoffs.
Single Raindrop Falls From Sky, Causing Every Californian To Scream And Drive Their Car Off Cliff
LOS ANGELES, CA — A single raindrop fell from the sky Monday morning, triggering widespread panic and causing millions of Californians to immediately drive their cars off nearby cliffs.
After Late Night Ballot Dump, Joe Biden Wins Brazilian Presidency With 81 Million Votes
BRASILIA — After a late-night ballot dump and several emergency court rulings, Joe Biden was declared the surprise winner of Brazil’s presidential election, securing 81 million votes.
Millions Of 12-Foot-Tall Lawn Skeletons Discovered On Dem Voter Rolls
ATLANTA, GA — Federal election monitors confirmed Thursday that millions of mail-in ballots cast for Democratic candidates nationwide have been traced back to 12-foot-tall plastic lawn skeletons.
God Promises To Spare BioWare If He Can Find Ten Developers Who Are Heterosexual White Men
EDMONTON — Just days before Electronic Arts shuttered video game developer BioWare Corp., sources confirmed a divine promise was made to spare the studio if at least ten heterosexual white male game developers could be found there.
LGBTQ+ To Add ‘S’ For Sibling
NEW YORK, NY — LGBTQ+ has just gotten a little more inclusive with the addition of an "S" for "Sibling."
NBA Finally Finds Way To Get LeBron To Stand At Attention During National Anthem
PHILADELPHIA, PA — NBA officials believe they’ve finally found a way to get LeBron James to stand at attention during the national anthem and show some respect by giving him a Chinese flag to look at.
Elon Musk Accused of Downgrading Ukraine’s Starlink To Dial-Up With Netscape Navigator
KYIV — Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy denied claims by President Trump that Starlink service had been restored in Ukraine, even going so far as to say their service had been downgraded by Elon Musk to Netscape Navigator with a dial-up connection.
Life Hack: Quit Paying Taxes And When The IRS Asks If You Owe Them Anything Just Say ‘Not To My Knowledge’
Great news: YOU can stop paying taxes forever with this one simple trick!