PARIS — Panic spread across the city of Paris today after the Atlanta Falcons announced a surprise visit to France.
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Nurse Wakes Sleeping New Mom For 17th Time To Remind Her To Get Some Rest
CHARLOTTE, NC — Night-shift nurse Avani Kaur burst into the hospital room at 2 a.m. this morning to remind recovering mother Lindsay Cullen how critical sleep is for postpartum recovery.
‘You Will Always Remember The Day You Almost Caught Ilhan Omar!’ Shouts Representative Jumping Aboard Somali Pirate Ship
DULUTH, MN — Congresswoman Ilhan Omar narrowly evaded capture by authorities on Thursday as she was seen escaping aboard a Somali pirate ship docked in Lake Superior, shouting, "You will always remember this as the day you almost caught Ilhan Omar!"
NFL To Paint ‘Allahu Akbar’ In Endzone For Game In Paris
PARIS — To accommodate modern French sensibilities, the NFL has announced that their first ever game to take place in Paris will include special endzone messaging by having "Allahu Akbar" painted onto the field.
Not Sure If You Married Your Brother? 9 Signs To Look For
With Representative Ilhan Omar seemingly unsure about whether she accidentally married her brother, millions of women have been left asking themselves a difficult question: Am I married to my brother? Don’t worry. We’ll help you sort this out.
Nation Excited For World Series Matchup Of Not The Dodgers Vs. Not The Yankees
U.S. — Fans are reportedly more excited than ever for the 2026 World Series, eager to sit down and watch a compelling matchup between Not the Dodgers and Not the Yankees.
Gideon Asks For Just One More Sign Where He Puts Out Wet Fleece And God Turns It Into A Tank
OPHRAH — Before going into battle, Gideon, the son of Joash the Abiezrite, reportedly asked for a third sign to prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that the Lord was with him: for a wet fleece to be turned into a tank.
Enterprising Mormon Also Sells Solar For Residents Not Interested In Talking About Jesus
PROVO, UT — Entrepreneur and LDS missionary Ricardo Lopez has begun selling residential solar panels to homeowners who aren’t interested in talking about God.
‘Not To My Knowledge,’ Replies Eve When Asked If She Ate The Forbidden Fruit
EDEN — Asked by God whether she had consumed fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, Eve replied, "Not to my knowledge."
Ilhan Omar Says She Didn’t Know She’d Married Her Brother As They Were Separated At Birth And Hidden From Their Father, Darth Vader
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an interview with MS NOW last night, Representative Ilhan Omar explained that she didn’t know that she had married her brother as they were separated at birth to be hidden from their father, Darth Vader.