KANSAS CITY, MO — Staff and onlookers broke out into rapturous applause after local hero Tom Kelson survived watching his wife undergo a C-section.
Babylon Bee
WNBA Clarifies A Woman Is An Adult Human Lesbian
LOS ANGELES, CA — In a statement to Congress regarding former NBA players who have applied for the WNBA draft, the Women’s National Basketball Association has clarified that it defines a woman as an "adult human lesbian."
Aw, Crap: Girl You Like Just Called You Her ‘Brother In Christ’
RENO, NV — Local college student Ethan Connor experienced a major dating setback Tuesday after the girl he had been secretly pining over for eight months referred to him as her "brother in Christ."
French Shop Owners Hang Hams Over Doorposts So Rioters Will Pass Them By
FRANCE — French shop owners across the nation have begun hanging hams over their doorposts so the hordes of rioters will pass by their shops and leave their property unscathed.
Ilhan Omar Furiously Denies Immigration Fraud Charges, Says She Only Married Brother For Love
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congresswoman Ilhan Omar vehemently denied any wrongdoing amid ongoing allegations she committed immigration fraud, saying she only married her brother for love.
CDC Confident This Year’s Flu Shot Highly Effective Against Last Year’s Flu
ATLANTA — Officials at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced today that they are confident this year’s flu shot will be highly effective against last year’s strain of flu.
900 Injured At Peaceful Chicago ‘No Kings’ Rally
CHICAGO, IL — Just 900 people were injured during the latest "No Kings" protest — a record low for the Chicago area — proving the protest technically qualified as peaceful.
RFK Jr. Prepares To Delight Trick-Or-Treaters With Mason Jars Of Beef Tallow
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and his wife Cheryl Hines were reportedly stocking up on mason jars of beef tallow to pass out to delighted trick-or-treaters on Halloween.
Parents Forced To Explain What Whoredom Is After Inspiring Sermon On Hosea
KENSETT, AR — Instead of the normal peace that comes following church attendance, Ben and Joan Witwell reportedly became stressed on Sunday when, after sitting through an inspiring sermon on the book of Hosea, they were forced to explain to their children what "whoredom" was.
10 Halloween Decorations To Scare Your Liberal Neighbors
Halloween is more than just a great opportunity to score Snickers bars from your kids’ baskets. It’s also the chance to deck out your lawn in a way that strikes terror into the hearts of any liberal who walks by!