WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump proudly boasted of his 36% approval rating this week, prompting aides to pull him aside and explain that approval ratings are not at all like golf scores.
Babylon Bee
Can You Name Each Of These Sacred Relics From 1990s Christianity?
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Neighborhood Children Woefully Unprepared For Local Man Who Chooses Trick Over Treat
NAPERVILLE, IL — Dozens of neighborhood trick-or-treaters were left completely unprepared Tuesday evening after local resident Burt Ostler unexpectedly opted for "trick" when presented with the classic Halloween ultimatum.
Baptist Baseball Fans Torn Between Rooting For Team Named After Devil Or Team Named After Beer
ALPHARETTA, GA — A full-time Baptist and part-time baseball fan is reportedly struggling ahead of the coming World Series matchup between the Milwaukee Brewers and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, unsure whether to root for the team named after beers or the team named after devils.
Ilhan Omar Starting To Regret Hiring Immigration Attorney From Quality Citizeship Center
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — After a raid on her home by federal agents from the Department of Homeland Security, U.S. Representative Ilhan Omar has expressed regret over hiring an immigration attorney from the Quality Citizeship Center.
DHS Brings In Maury To Reveal Results Of Omar DNA Test
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Homeland Security brought in famed television host Maury Povich to reveal the results of Representative Ilhan Omar’s DNA test.
Socialists Condemn Elon Musk For Redistributing Wealth
U.S. — Socialists around the country voiced their deep criticism this week of Elon Musk’s plan to voluntarily redistribute his wealth to the nation’s children.
Oregon Lawmakers Renew Push To Ban Guns Like The One Used To Take Down That School Shooter
SALEM, OR — After the tragic elementary school attack in the city of Bend, Oregon lawmakers have gathered in a renewed effort to ban the sort of gun that was used to take down the school shooter.
Protest Leaders Remind Rioters To Take Breaks To Pray Toward Mecca
PARIS — Devastating riots across France paused briefly this morning, and once this afternoon, for the Islamic call to prayer. It is expected to pause again this evening.
Jalen Hurts (Pfizer) Ruled Out For Season
PHILADELPHIA, PA — Eagles starting quarterback Jalen Hurts has suffered a devastating Pfizer injury, ruling him out for the rest of the season.