The Onion almost did this bit perfectly and I simply cannot stop laughing.
Not the Bee
Obamas clear the air on divorce rumors
In case anyone cares, Barack and Michelle are still a thing, despite rumors of their split. Michelle interviewed Barack on her podcast this week.
This Louisiana pastor says he was fired from the local library after not using someone’s preferred pronouns
Luke Ash is a pastor and was a library technician in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
Wisconsin nurse cuts off patient’s frostbitten foot for taxidermy shop, only gets $443 fine
There are some messed up people in the world.
Charismatics are trying to get ChatGPT to translate their “speaking in tongues”
People continue to find new ways to use ChatGPT, but… a Holy Spirit shortcut? That’s what a new trend among charismatics seemed to be aiming at by using the AI model to interpret their "speaking in tongues."
I think CNN wants us to be sad about this family’s “move to self-deport.” Check out this segment 😂
I’m sorry, CNN, am I really supposed to feel some guilt here for voting for Trump?
Nintendo just revealed the actors for the “Legend of Zelda” film and they’re not even transgender 👀
After a terrifying rumor that Zelda would be played by transgender actor Hunter Schafer, it seems Nintendo has come to the rescue and murdered that rumor for good.
Homeland Security one-shotted the NYT over this headline. It might the most perfect burn from a government account of all time.
Not only is this a real headline from The New York Times, but this is a real post from Homeland Security:
Nightmare fuel: Janitor killed after being sucked into meat grinder at burrito factory
This has to be one of the worst ways to die.
The MLB paid tribute to Hank Aaron in the coolest way possible at the All-Star Game
On April 8, 1974, Hank Aaron hit his 715th career home run in Atlanta, passing up Babe Ruth as the all-time leader in the category.
White House to review more than ONE MILLION documents signed with Biden’s autopen
Well, we knew that the autopen scandal was big, but I don’t think we realized just how extensive it was.
Black woman who fled US for Russia to escape racism beaten up by racist neighbors
Sometimes reality smacks you in the face. Literally.
Letter from alleged Minnesota assassin says Gov. Tim Walz told him to kill politicians 😬
Remember this?
Bee Forum News: AOC Says AI Could Never Impersonate Her Because She Is So Dumb
AOC has marked herself safe from impersonation by Artificial Intelligence, informing concerned citizens that she is too dumb for this to be irrelevant. The Democrats then promptly nominated her for the presidency, because she is so dumb. AOC has accepted the nomination, saying she is proud to follow…
Scottie Scheffler just gave us the best spiritual perspective of the day
Some great wisdom here for those with the ears to listen:
The Left Doesn’t Care About Illegal Aliens. The Raid Last Week Proves It.
It finally happened.
This guy has been building a model of NYC for 21 years and it has nearly a million buildings
This man is going to be a legend once this is on display somewhere:
Trump says Epstein Files were “made up” by James Comey, Obama, and Biden 👀
You guys a new Epstein narrative just dropped:
New Florida law allows expecting moms to park in handicap spots
Florida is once again leading the way by using the government to actually do useful things. And what could be more worthy than making a pregnant mom’s life a little easier?
Trump just joked that he’s going to give IQ tests to AOC and Jasmine Crockett “to see who comes out best”
HAAAAAA
Too hot this summer? Study says smearing yogurt on windows will cool the house down
Sometimes you see a study and wonder how drunk someone had to be to come up with an idea.
Peak California: Arsonist stopped by fitness influencers along Hollywood Hills hiking trail
So this just happened.
Denver Communists vandalize Hispanic pastor’s coffee shop that helps the homeless because he believes Christian things
This is a wild story and it’s giving me modern-day This Present Darkness vibes.
Home Depot’s co-founder who didn’t like Trump has completely changed his mind after the past six months
Imagine what he’d be saying if Kamala had won 😂
The North Lawn at the White House was locked down after something was thrown over the fence
I hope this looks worse than it is:
“Ana Navarro dismisses opinion of CNN panelist because he is a white man.”
No joke, she really did this:
Watch these helpful officers finish a pizza delivery after they arrested the “GrubHub guy”
Sometimes only a thin blue line separates us from hunger and dinner.
Uh … The latest Grok update now lets you have an AI-generated anime “companion”
What on Earth is this unholy abomination?
Check out the photographer who had the coolest Blue Angel shot of all time
I once had a Blue Angel pilot give me a salute from his F-18 while I was providing security as a Civil Air Patrol cadet at a local air show.
The NBA Summer League just gave us one of the nastiest posters of all time
This play by Indiana’s Johnny Furphy was destined to be a poster: