U.S. — Effective immediately, every television station will begin airing a nightly broadcast of The President Trump Happy Fun Variety Hour, as mandated by the Federal Communications Commission (FCC).
Babylon Bee
Democrats Hold Candlelight Vigils For Jimmy Kimmel
LOS ANGELES, CA — Democrats gathered together outside the El Capitan Theatre on Hollywood Boulevard, bearing candles and saying silent prayers on behalf of Jimmy Kimmel, whose show, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, was placed on hold indefinitely.
After Antifa Designated A Terrorist Organization, Trump Orders Drone Strikes On Portland
PORTLAND, OR — In an unprecedented move, President Trump authorized a drone strike on Portland after designating Antifa a terrorist organization.
Dan Brown Releases New Novel Where The Shroud Of Turin Contains A Hidden Code That Explains How To Do The Cracker Barrel Peg Game
U.S. — International bestselling author Dan Brown is inviting readers on another exciting Robert Langdon adventure in which the Shroud of Turin contains a hidden code that explains how to solve the nefarious Cracker Barrel peg game.
People Okay With Murder Outraged By TV Show Cancellation
U.S. — Recent events in American society indicated that the very same people who are okay with murder are also outraged by the cancellation of a TV show.
Study Finds Your Hometown Breakfast Diner Is The Best In The World
U.S. — In some exciting news for your hometown, multiple studies have determined that the little diner you love down the road is the best breakfast place in the world.
JD Vance Takes Over As Host Of ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live!’
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Effective immediately, late night will have a new face, as news broke Thursday morning that Vice President JD Vance had agreed to take over as the host of ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Babylon Bee Is Outraged To Learn Jimmy Kimmel Was Canceled Just For Being MAGA Republican
We are disgusted to learn that Disney has pulled Jimmy Kimmel’s show off the air simply for him being a MAGA Republican.No one has stood for MAGA more than Jimmy Kimmel. Raised by a Republican family in a conservative area, Kimmel embodies everything MAGA stands for. "We are…
‘This Is A Both Sides Issue,’ Says Side That Assassinated Charlie Kirk, Shot President Trump, Tried To Assassinate Kavanaugh, Tried To Assassinate Trump Again, Murdered Schoolkids In Minnesota, Shot Steve Scalise, Firebombed Governor Shapiro (cont’d)
(cont’d) murdered schoolchildren in Nashville, burned an elderly Jewish woman to death in Colorado, murdered a couple at the Jewish embassy in D.C., seized campus buildings and held janitors hostage, assaulted students on campus who appeared Jewish, ambushed ICE officers in Dallas and shot an officer in the…
Idiot Waves You Through Stop Sign When It’s Clearly His Turn
BRANSON, MO — Local man and confirmed idiot Mark Turner waved a driver through the four-way intersection this morning even though it was clearly Turner’s turn to go.
Matt Gutman Tears Up While Citing ‘Personal, Touching’ Mein Kampf
LOS ANGELES — Matt Gutman, Chief National Correspondent for ABC News, became emotional Wednesday when, during a news segment, he teared up while calling Hitler’s Mein Kampf both personal and touching.
Don’t Call Your Wife Beautiful. Use These Less Sexist Compliments Instead
Listen up, men. It’s time to put the ways of misogyny behind you and stop calling your wife outdated, sexist terms like "beautiful." Instead, try any of these less chauvinistic compliments:
7 Subtle Clues The Shooter May Have Been A Leftist
As the investigation into Charlie Kirk’s assassin continues, debate has raged in the public square about which ideology the killer followed.
Southern Baptist Convention Lifts Ban On Sex After Marriage
NASHVILLE, TN — In a stunning change to the bylaws that have served as the bedrock for the denomination for decades, the Southern Baptist Convention voted to lift its longstanding ban on sex after marriage.
WaPo Journalist Wins Pulitzer Prize For ‘Best Fabricated Quote’
NEW YORK — Former Washington Post journalist Karen Attiah made history Wednesday as the first ever recipient of the Pulitzer Prize for "Best Fabricated Quote."
Dearborn Changes Name To ‘Dearborn Islamic Caliphate Of Michigan’
DEARBORN, MI — Mayor Abdullah Hamoud of Dearborn has officially declared that the city will be renamed "Dearborn Islamic Caliphate of Michigan."
Satan Blowin’ Up As Top Influencer On Bluesky
U.S. — As the divide between the political right and left continues to grow wider, a new report showed that Satan has found an unprecedented level of popularity as the new top influencer on the social media platform Bluesky.
Pam Bondi Honors Charlie Kirk’s Legacy By Doing Exact Opposite Of Charlie Kirk
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As millions of Americans continued to mourn several days after the assassination of a prominent conservative leader, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi announced he plan to honor Charlie Kirk’s legacy by doing the exact opposite of everything Charlie Kirk stood for.
10 Jobs Perfect For Those Recently Fired For Hateful Posts
Lots of people have been losing their jobs over the last several days as a result of hateful things they posted on social media regarding the killing of Charlie Kirk, but where do they go from here?
‘New York Times’ Issues Minor Clarification That Charlie Kirk Said ‘Hitler Is Bad’, Not ‘Hitler Is Good’
NEW YORK, NY — Responding to public outcry to set the record straight after a terrible act of political violence launched the debate about dangerous rhetoric to the forefront of American consciousness, the New York Times issued a minor clarification that conservative activist Charlie Kirk had said "Hitler…
JD Vance To Leave Politics To Host ‘Lord Of The Rings’ Fan Podcast
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following a successful outing as guest host of The Charlie Kirk Show, Vice President JD Vance has decided to leave politics behind and start his very own fan podcast about J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings.
New To Church? Here Are 10 Things You Need To Know
Recent events and turmoil have more people flocking to church now than they have in years, leading to a new wave of visitors who may be unfamiliar with what to expect at church.
Trump Approves Congressional Plan To Get Emotional Girls To All Wear Mood Rings
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced his approval for a bold new congressional plan to get emotional girls to all wear mood rings.
Democrats Confused After Seeing Conservatives Hold Weird Molotov Cocktail That Never Explodes
U.S. — With political tensions running at a renewed high since the assassination of Charlie Kirk, Democrats across the country expressed confusion after seeing numerous clips of conservatives holding weird Molotov cocktails that didn’t ever explode.
FBI Debates Whether Or Not They Should Investigate ‘Tranny Terrorist Murder Planning Committee’ Discord Channel
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, the investigation into the assassination of Charlie Kirk is on hold while federal agents are currently deliberating whether or not to investigate a Discord channel called "Tranny Terrorist Murder Planning Committee".
Wife Disappointed To Learn Husband Doesn’t Actually Have Two Tickets To The Gun Show
FEDERAL WAY, WA — Local wife Kristina Madsen was disappointed to learn over the weekend that her husband didn’t actually have "two tickets to the gun show" as he’d previously asserted.
Fraud Alert Triggered As Wife’s Credit Card Used To Spend Less Than 100 Dollars At Target
EBENSBURG, PA — Local husband Bill Schafer was surprised to learn his debit card had been locked after the bank issued a fraud alert because his wife spent less than $100 at Target.
Gandalf Tells Saruman To Stop Doom-Scrolling On Palantír
ISENGARD — According to reports coming from the tower of Orthanc, Gandalf has told his fellow wizard Saruman to stop doom-scrolling on his palantír.
Scholars Now Believe That The Prodigal Son Returned Home After His Father Changed The Netflix Password
JUDEA — New historical evidence may indicate that the prodigal son returned home after his father changed the Netflix password on him, according to scholars of the ancient world.
Jordan Peele Announces New Movie ‘STICKS’ Where White People Beat Black People With Sticks (The Sticks Are A Metaphor For Racism)
HOLLYWOOD — Comedian and horror auteur Jordan Peele announced his next project will be STICKS, a film where white people beat black people with sticks as a subtle metaphor for racism.