WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a merciful miracle, the Spirit of the Lord strengthened Elon one last time to push the pillars of Congress over, bringing the government crashing down.
Babylon Bee
10 Dating Red Flags Women Should Look Out For
The dating scene is tough these days. With everyone using dating apps to meet and hook up, it’s important for women to be careful about the guys they choose.
Man Unable To Lose Weight Considers Adding Second Push-Up To Workout Routine
MILWAUKEE, WI — Frustrated with how slowly he’s been losing weight, 42-year-old Jack Brenson has started considering adding a second push-up to his weekly workout routine.
Hamas Agrees To Surrender If Europe Will Take Greta Thunberg Back
GAZA — The tables were turned on the infamous terrorist organization today, with horrified Hamas agreeing to a full and unconditional surrender to Israel if Europe would agree to take Greta Thunberg back.
Rockies Rewarded For 10th Win With Pizza Party At Chuck E. Cheese
DENVER, CO — Staff at a local Colorado Chuck E. Cheese were recently overrun by a horde of whooping, excited Rockies players eager to celebrate the team’s 10th win.
Adventure Party Wanted For Genociding Local Town’s Endangered Giant Rat Population
FLORINSHIRE — Wanted posters have gone up all over the land calling for the arrest of an adventure party responsible for the genocide of a local village’s endangered giant rat population.
Trump Agrees To End Tariffs On China In Exchange For Their Kung Fu Masters Teaching Him The Death Touch
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Tensions from the ongoing trade war showed signs of potentially easing up, with President Donald Trump agreeing to end tariffs on China in exchange for their Kung Fu masters teaching him the "Death Touch."
10 Out Of 10 Therapists Recommend Rolling Truck Window Down To Let Your Arm Get A Little Sun
U.S. — Welcome news greeted stressed-out Americans today, as results of a new survey indicated that 10 out of 10 therapists recommended rolling your truck window down to let your arm get a little sun.
Hamas Announces They Will Accept Ceasefire On Condition They Can Keep Killing Jews
WORLD — Hamas leadership announced Monday that they would accept a ceasefire agreement with Israel on the condition that they can keep killing Jews.
Republicans Unveil New Plan To Fix National Debt Sometime After The Return Of Christ
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Republican lawmakers unveiled a bold new plan for the federal budget: to forgo paying down the national debt in favor of waiting for the second coming of Christ and the world to be ended in fire.
10 Really Gay Things You Can Do To Celebrate Pride Month
It’s that time of year again, when the rainbows are flying everywhere you look, and super gay things are happening in more places than just Dodgers games. But what can you do to show your support?
Trump Brings In Chick-Fil-A Manager To Negotiate Peace Between Russia, Ukraine
ISTANBUL — President Trump redoubled his efforts to end the Russo-Ukrainian War by bringing in a Chick-fil-A manager to handle negotiations.
Man Arrested For Casting Shadow On Pride Crosswalk
CHICAGO, IL — In an incident that brought swift condemnation from Democrats across the country, a local man was immediately arrested and charged with a hate crime for casting a shadow on a Pride crosswalk.
Fashion Faux Pas As Two Texans Both Attend Wedding Wearing The Same Gun
FORT WORTH, TX — In a regrettable fashion faux pas, two Texans came to a wedding wearing the same gun.
Colorado Rules Jews Must Bake Cake For Terrorist Who Lit Them On Fire
BOULDER, CO — The controversy surrounding a horrific attack over the weekend continued today, as a Colorado court ruled that Jewish victims must bake a cake for the terrorist who lit them on fire.
Cory Booker Announces Plan To Occupy The Rhineland
SACRAMENTO, CA — In a surprise speech, Senator Cory Booker shared his vision of sending troops to reoccupy the Rhineland, the first step in returning the Third Reich to its former glory.
Trump Signs Executive Order To Skip Pride Month, Today Now Officially July 1
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump signed an executive order this morning to skip Pride Month, thereby officially making today July first.
Scandal: Historians Determine All Of George Washington’s Orders Were Signed By Auto-Feather
MT. VERNON, VA — In a massive scandal upending centuries of historical beliefs, researchers have discovered that George Washington signed the vast majority of his orders with an auto-feather device.
Colorado Rockies Demoted To Church Softball League
DENVER, CO — After starting the season with a 9-48 record, the Colorado Rockies have been officially demoted to a church softball league.
Furious Al Gore Seen Blowing Hair Dryer At Ice Caps To Stop Them From Regrowing
ANTARCTICA — With the unexpected growth of the polar ice caps ruining his climate campaign, a frustrated Al Gore was seen blowing a hair dryer at the ice caps in a desperate bid to get them melting again.
Doctor Treats Depression By Prescribing Pack O’ Cigs And A Coors Banquet Tallboy
MEMPHIS, TN — Local internal medicine doctor Timothy Raines has found incredible success treating depression by simply prescribing one pack of cigs and a Coors Banquet tallboy.
Federal Judge Rules Trump Must Use The Bad Controller
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another outrageous display of unprecedented judicial activism, a federal judge ruled earlier today that President Donald Trump must use the bad controller.
Elon Musk Extends Glowing Finger To Trump Before Stepping Into Rocket And Blasting Off
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a beautiful and heart-rending moment, Elon Musk extended a glowing finger to touch President Trump’s forehead before stepping into a rocket and returning to outer space with his people.
Health Experts Warn ‘Hamilton’ May Be Gateway To More Flamboyant Musicals
U.S. — Startling new data from health experts has shown that the musical Hamilton may be a gateway to far more flamboyant musicals.
Fun New Ark Of The Covenant Playset Actually Kills You If You Touch It
U.S. — American toy and playset manufacturer Little Tikes announced an exciting new playset modeled after the ancient Ark of the Covenant that actually kills you if you touch it.
Trump Aides Shocked To Find Biden’s Autopen Still Signing Bills In Storage Closet
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Aides in the White House were shocked this week to find former President Joe Biden’s autopen still signing bills in a storage closet.
Tom Cruise Kicking Himself After Learning He Could Have Been Using CGI This Whole Time
CLEARWATER, FL — Superstar actor Tom Cruise, fresh off a promotional tour for Mission: Impossible – The Final Reckoning, was reportedly kicking himself after learning that he could have been using CGI for stunts this whole time.
Palestine Distances Itself From Imagine Dragons
GAZA — In a statement issued to all media outlets, Palestine officially distanced itself from popular music group Imagine Dragons following the band’s recent waving of a Palestinian flag during a concert in Milan.
9 Changes Coming To HBO Max’s Harry Potter
Harry Potter is moving to the small screen with a streaming series on HBO Max — but with some much-needed changes. Everyone knows Snape is now black, but here are nine other changes coming to HBO’s Harry Potter series:
FBI Announces Epstein Killed Himself, Confirming Once And For All That Epstein Didn’t Kill Himself
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Federal Bureau of Investigation made a definitive statement concluding that billionaire Jeffrey Epstein killed himself, confirming once and for all that Jeffrey Epstein did not kill himself.