Babylon Bee
Tragic: Man Runs Out Of Conversation Topics 45 Seconds Into Haircut
KANSAS CITY, MO — Tragedy struck in a local barbershop today, as a man realized just 45 seconds into getting his haircut that he had already run out of all conversation topics.
Mamdani Promises Rent-Free Gulags
NEW YORK, NY — As the New York City mayoral race entered its final stretch before Tuesday’s election, leading candidate Zohran Mamdani sought to broaden his appeal with undecided voters by promising to establish rent-free gulags throughout the city in which he would graciously imprison his political opponents…
Trump Negotiates Historic Peace Deal Between Contemporary Service, Traditional Service
U.S. — Mere weeks after bringing about a much-heralded ceasefire between Israel and Hamas, President Donald Trump pulled off yet another historic treaty by successfully negotiating a peace deal between proponents of the contemporary service and adherents to the traditional service.
17-Year-Old Trick-Or-Treater Dresses Up As 17-Year-Old Wearing a Hoodie
HADDONFIELD, NJ — Reports coming in on Halloween indicated that one 17-year-old trick-or-treater had been sighted making the rounds early in the afternoon dressed up as a 17-year-old wearing a hoodie.
In Toughest Survival Challenge Yet, Bear Grylls Attempts To Survive Weekend In Chicago
CHICAGO, IL — In a new television special, survivalist icon and TV host Bear Grylls was set to embark on his most daring survival challenge yet as he attempts to survive a weekend in Chicago.
The Nightmare Is Over: Supreme Court Outlaws Candy Corn
U.S. — Americans all over the country celebrated the news that the national nightmare that had lasted for generations was finally over, as the United States Supreme Court outlawed candy corn.
Prodigal Son Returns After SNAP Benefits Expire
GALILEE — A local family rejoiced after a wayward son returned in repentance to his father, though subsequent reports claimed that this was because he just ran out of SNAP benefits.
Man Longs For Simpler Time Before Grandma Discovered Emojis
MACON, GA — Local man John Gardener expressed longing this week for a simpler, better time before his grandmother learned how to use emojis in texts and social media posts.
Embarrassed Democrats Admit They Can’t Remember Why They Shut The Government Down
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic lawmakers quietly admitted on Friday that they can’t seem to remember why they shut down the government in the first place.
Can You Spot The Differences Between These Grokipedia And Wikipedia Articles?
Elon Musk announced this week that his A.I. tool Grok would be curating a competitor to online encyclopedia giant Wikipedia called Grokipedia.
Xi Happily Drops All Tariffs After Trump Shows Him How To Use Chopsticks To Become A Walrus
GYEONGJU — Trade negotiations between the U.S. and China reached a much-needed breakthrough on Thursday, as Chinese President Xi Jinping agreed to drop all tariffs after President Donald Trump showed him how to use chopsticks to become a walrus.
Sad: This Kid’s Uncle Actually Works At Nintendo But No One Will Believe Him
SEATTLE, WA — In a cruel twist of fate, local boy Steven Brent actually has an uncle who works at Nintendo, but no one will believe him because of the popular meme.
Trump Orders Nuclear Weapons Testing To Be Carried Out By The Guys From Dude Perfect
U.S. — For the first time since 1992, the United States planned to resume nuclear weapons testing. President Donald Trump ordered the Pentagon to resume tests immediately and to "get the guys from Dude Perfect" to do it.
Idiot Tries To Rob Bank In Gotham City, Where Batman Lives
GOTHAM CITY — A foolish thief found himself in the hospital recovering from a dislocated shoulder, a fractured wrist, three broken ribs, and a shattered pelvis after foolishly trying to rob a bank in the same city where Batman lives.
Pope Leo Canonizes The 1996-98 Chicago Bulls
VATICAN CITY — In a move that drew criticism of bias toward his hometown teams, Pope Leo XIV officially canonized the 1996-98 Chicago Bulls.
Trump To Grant Canada Independence If Blue Jays Win World Series
TORONTO — The stakes for the final two games of the Major League Baseball season grew even higher this week, as President Donald Trump announced that he would grant Canada independence if the Blue Jays won the World Series.
4-Year-Old Rebel Defies Convention And Climbs Up Slide
BORGER, TX — Rebellious four-year-old Brayden Wheeler defied millennia of norms and convention this morning as instead of going down the slide at the playground, he climbed up.
8 Ways To Tell If Your News Program Is Biased
Watching or reading the news can be tricky these days. Learning the straight facts without knowing if it’s being spun in a specific direction to fit a narrative is more difficult now than ever before. But how can you tell if your news source is biased?
Al-Qaeda Activating Sleeper Cells To Help Get Out The Vote For Mamdani
NEW YORK, NY — According to reports from top intelligence agencies, Al-Qaeda is activating its terrorist sleeper cells to help get out the vote for Zohran Mamdani.
AOC Tells Mom Giving Birth To Get A Real Job
BRONIX, NY — According to witnesses at the scene, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez burst into a birthing suite at local Montefiore Hospital to tell off a woman in labor that she should get a real job.
Report Reveals Biden Allowed Over 2,000,000 Flood Lifeforms Across Southern Border
U.S — According to a Department of Homeland Security report, former President Joe Biden’s soft border policies allowed 2,000,000 Flood lifeforms over the border.
Woman Awarded Trophy For Enduring 17 Hours Of Senseless Agony Instead Of Getting Epidural
MILWAUKEE, WI — After hours of horrifying agony and non-stop screaming, local woman Jessica Poulter was awarded a cool trophy for giving birth without an epidural.
Furloughed TSA Agents Go Door-To-Door Offering To Grope People For Free
ARLINGTON, VA — As the government shut-down drags on, furloughed TSA agents have begun going door-to-door offering to grope people for free.
Democrats Vow To Starve As Many Food Stamp Recipients As It Takes To Get Free Healthcare For Illegal Immigrants
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats have taken a bold stand by vowing to starve as many food stamp recipients as it takes to get free healthcare for illegal immigrants.
Due To Depleted Bullpen, Jason Bateman To Pitch Game 4 For Dodgers
LOS ANGELES, CA — After Monday night’s epic 18-inning marathon Game 3 severely depleted their bullpen, the Los Angeles Dodgers announced that actor Jason Bateman would take the mound for the team in Game 4.
Trump Asks Elon If He Can Come Up With A Way To Supply 1.21 Gigawatts Of Power To A DeLorean
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, President Donald Trump broached the subject of scientific collaboration this week with Tesla Founder and CEO Elon Musk, asking if he could come up with a way to supply precisely 1.21 gigawatts of power to a DeLorean.
Dad Excited To Show Family Horrifyingly Violent Movie From 1970s That Has The Same Rating As ‘Toy Story 3’
TULSA, OK — Local dad William Madsen announced he was excited to show his kids some of the horror and action movies he loved from the 1970s, which must be ok because they’re rated the same as those Toy Story movies.
Dad Accepted Into Ninja School After Leaping Under Garage Door As It’s Closing
COLUMBUS, OH — Local dad Tripp Cashton was elated to receive his acceptance to Ninja School after nailing the feat of leaping under a garage door just as it closed.
America’s Obesity Crisis Solved As EBT Benefits Run Out
U.S. — The American Medial Association announced the long battle with American obesity had finally come to an end thanks to EBT benefits running out amidst the ongoing government shut down.