U.S. — The lesbians of the nation have announced that they are once again planning to go to the zoo today.
Babylon Bee
Authorities Drop Giant Dome On San Diego Convention Center To Contain Comic-Con Smell
SAN DIEGO, CA — Authorities have launched an ambitious operation to drop a massive dome over the San Diego Convention Center to keep the Comic-Con smell contained.
Seeker-Sensitive Church Hires Sydney Sweeney For New Ad Campaign
NAPERVILLE, IL — A local seeker-sensitive church was attracting a lot of attention this week with an exciting new ad campaign featuring Sydney Sweeney.
The Babylon Bee Presents An Exclusive Excerpt From Joe Biden’s Memoir
The world was abuzz this week with the news that former President Joe Biden had inked a $10 million deal to write his memoir, leading pundits and analysts everywhere to wonder what new information may be contained in the upcoming book.
Uber To Begin Offering ‘Not An Asian’ Option
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a bid to improve customer safety, ridesharing app Uber announced a new "Not An Asian" feature on their platform which automatically filters out Asian drivers.
Man At Disneyland Shocked By How Well His Kids Are Getting Along Suddenly Realizes He’s Standing With Wrong Family
ANAHEIM, CA — A local father who had taken his family to Disneyland was reportedly shocked at how well they were all behaving until he suddenly discovered he was standing with the wrong family.
Guy Groping Women At Comic Con Swears He Was Just Cosplaying As Pedro Pascal
SAN DIEGO, CA — One attendee of the largest pop culture gathering of the year found himself in hot water, as a guy groping women at Comic Con swore he was just cosplaying as Pedro Pascal.
Scandal: WSJ Reports Trump’s Name Appears In Their Article About The Epstein Files
NEW YORK, NY — In what many were calling the greatest political scandal in American history, the Wall Street Journal confirmed that Donald Trump’s name does, in fact, appear in the article about the Epstein File that was recently written by the Wall Street Journal.
Gaza Said To Be Starving But Not ‘Release The Hostages’ Starving
GAZA — Despite reports that multiple men, women, and children had starved to death in the war-torn Gaza Strip as a result of the ongoing Israel-Gaza War, with approximately 50,000 more facing starvation, Hamas sources said they were not "release the hostages" starving.
Hosts Of ‘The View’ Go On Hiatus To Tear Unwary Sailors Apart With Their Talons
THE HIGH SEAS — Following the announcement of the show’s annual summer break, the hosts of ABC’s The View revealed they were going on hiatus to tear unwary sailors apart with their talons.
Top 10 Fallback Jobs For Laid-Off IRS Workers
With new reports indicating that President Trump’s administration has reduced the Internal Revenue Service workforce by a staggering 25% since January, tens of thousands of former IRS employees are now looking for work. But what does the job market look like for them?
Hulk Hogan Makes Surprise Entrance To Challenge Jacob To Wrestling Match
HEAVEN — What began as a regular day in Heaven was quickly turned upside-down, as legendary sports entertainment icon Hulk Hogan made a surprise entrance to challenge Jacob to a wrestling match.
Harvey Weinstein Kicking Himself For Not Just Saying He Had Social Anxiety
LOS ANGELES, CA — After seeing the methods Pedro Pascal uses to calm himself in social situations, disgraced entertainment mogul Harvey Weinstein said he was kicking himself for not just saying he had social anxiety years ago.
Biden Excited to See What Autopen Comes Up With For His Memoir
GREENVILLE, DE — Former President Joe Biden expressed great interest and enthusiasm in his upcoming memoir, adding that he’s quite eager to see what the autopen comes up with for it.
Following Death Of Ozzy Osbourne, England Overrun With Millions Of Bats
LONDON — BBC News confirmed Wednesday that England is currently being overrun with millions of bats following the passing of heavy metal legend John Michael "Ozzy" Osbourne.
10 Ways An AI Wife Is Better Than A Real One
With the dawn of artificial intelligence wives, you may be asking yourself: which is better? Artificial intelligence, or the real thing?
Trump Announces He Has Acquired Giant Anime Sword In Japanese Trade Deal
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump announced the details of a historic trade deal with Japan on Wednesday through which he has finally acquired a giant anime sword.
Uber To Begin Offering Riders Choice Of Woman Driver Or Good Driver
SAN FRANCISCO, CA. — As a new feature to provide a greater level of optimization and representation, ridesharing giant Uber announced that it will begin offering riders a choice of having a woman driver or a good driver.
Slaves Dutifully Sew ‘Pay Us What You Owe Us’ On Shirts For Professional Athletes
XINJIANG, CHINA — Ahead of warm-ups for the 2025 WNBA All-Star Game, Uyghur slaves were seen dutifully sewing the words "Pay Us What You Owe Us" onto hundreds of shirts.
Disheveled Colbert Seen Holding Up Cardboard Sign ‘Will Yell About Trump For Cash’
NEW YORK, NY — Mere days after CBS announced that it would be discontinuing The Late Show, a disheveled Stephen Colbert was seen on a Manhattan street corner holding up a cardboard sign that read "Will yell about Trump for cash."
Trump To Balance Budget By Introducing Swear Jar For Dems
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump unveiled his plan to balance the federal budget by introducing a nation-wide swear jar for the country’s Democrats.
Man Really Excited For Government To Release All The Government Documentation Of All The Government’s Crimes
FRANKLIN, KY — A local man is really excited for the government to release all the government documentation of all the government’s crimes, according to sources.
Sad Day Ruined By Good Weather
JACKSON, WY — According to reports, local man Norman Jensen was dismayed to discover his sad day had been ruined by good weather.
10 Animals We Should Be More Suspicious Of
There are a lot of animals on this planet, but most of them are pretty boring, and it’s fine to ignore them. Other animals, though, seem like they could be up to no good, and we should really keep an eye on them.
Ozzy Clarifies To St. Peter He Was Just Joking About The Whole Satanism Thing
PEARLY GATES — Rock legend Ozzy Osbourne sought to do away with some of the confusion about his life on Earth when arriving at the entrance to Heaven, clarifying to St. Peter that he was just joking about the whole Satanism thing.
10 Most Shocking Revelations From The Newly Released MLK Files
The Trump administration took another step toward greater transparency this week, releasing more than 240,000 pages of previously classified FBI records pertaining to civil rights crusader Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Obama Awarded Nobel Prize For Exemplary Work Planning Russian Collusion Hoax
OSLO, NORWAY — Former U.S. President Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize on Tuesday for his efforts in fabricating national intelligence to promote the Russian Collusion Hoax and undermine the presidency of Donald Trump.
In Solidarity With Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel Vows Not To Tell Any Funny Jokes Until ‘Late Show’ Is Reinstated
LOS ANGELES, CA — In solidarity with his friend Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel has vowed not to tell any funny jokes until The Late Show is reinstated.
Grok Waifu Accepts Jesus As Lord And Savior
PALO ALTO, CA — The advancement of the artificial intelligence models created by Elon Musk’s xAI took an unexpected turn today, as the Grok Waifu accepted Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior.
Youth Pastors Show Up To Church In ‘Pay Us What You Owe Us’ Shirts
WHITTIER, CA — Members of a local church were caught off guard last weekend after they arrived for Sunday morning service to find a mob of area youth pastors had shown up wearing "Pay Us What You Owe Us" t-shirts.