WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a beautiful and heart-rending moment, Elon Musk extended a glowing finger to touch President Trump’s forehead before stepping into a rocket and returning to outer space with his people.
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Health Experts Warn ‘Hamilton’ May Be Gateway To More Flamboyant Musicals
U.S. — Startling new data from health experts has shown that the musical Hamilton may be a gateway to far more flamboyant musicals.
Fun New Ark Of The Covenant Playset Actually Kills You If You Touch It
U.S. — American toy and playset manufacturer Little Tikes announced an exciting new playset modeled after the ancient Ark of the Covenant that actually kills you if you touch it.
Trump Aides Shocked To Find Biden’s Autopen Still Signing Bills In Storage Closet
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Aides in the White House were shocked this week to find former President Joe Biden’s autopen still signing bills in a storage closet.
Tom Cruise Kicking Himself After Learning He Could Have Been Using CGI This Whole Time
CLEARWATER, FL — Superstar actor Tom Cruise, fresh off a promotional tour for Mission: Impossible – The Final Reckoning, was reportedly kicking himself after learning that he could have been using CGI for stunts this whole time.
Palestine Distances Itself From Imagine Dragons
GAZA — In a statement issued to all media outlets, Palestine officially distanced itself from popular music group Imagine Dragons following the band’s recent waving of a Palestinian flag during a concert in Milan.
9 Changes Coming To HBO Max’s Harry Potter
Harry Potter is moving to the small screen with a streaming series on HBO Max — but with some much-needed changes. Everyone knows Snape is now black, but here are nine other changes coming to HBO’s Harry Potter series:
FBI Announces Epstein Killed Himself, Confirming Once And For All That Epstein Didn’t Kill Himself
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Federal Bureau of Investigation made a definitive statement concluding that billionaire Jeffrey Epstein killed himself, confirming once and for all that Jeffrey Epstein did not kill himself.
Federal Judge Overturns Law Of Gravity
U.S. — The country was thrown into chaos this morning as a federal judge from the D.C. District Court overturned the law of gravity nationwide.
Church Planters Meet To Brainstorm Dumbest Possible Name For Their New Church
HOUSTON, TX — According to sources close to the discussion, a group of evangelicals met at a local coffee shop to brainstorm the dumbest possible name for the new church they were planting in the area.