U.S. — Washington was abuzz with the news that Elon Musk had officially stepped down from his duties as head of the Department of Government Efficiency. Musk said he will now spend his time tackling the much easier job of sending human beings to Mars.
Babylon Bee
10 Ways Democrats Plan To Win Back Men
The Democratic Party is struggling with approval among men. They know they’re going to have to turn that around if they want to have any chance in 2028.
Man Got 90% Of His Advanced Vocabulary From ‘Calvin And Hobbes’
ST. PAUL, MN — Local 33-year-old Peter Winstead was stupendously flabbergasted earlier today to find that over 90% of his advanced vocabulary had been acquired from reading Calvin and Hobbes.
White House Asks Judge If There’s Anything The President Is Actually Allowed To Do
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an attempt to clear up lingering confusion over the role of the nation’s chief executive and avoid ongoing injunctions to block executive actions, the White House asked a federal judge if there’s anything the president is actually allowed to do.
‘I’m Comfortable With My Masculinity’ Says Man With Zero Masculinity
ANN ARBOR, MI — According to sources, local man Florian Beeve has stated that he is "very" comfortable with his masculinity, despite having no masculinity whatsoever.
UK Finally Cracks Down On Muslim Rapists
LONDON — Following years of leniency amidst increasing reports of widespread sexual assaults, the United Kingdom’s Home Office, in conjunction with the Metropolitan Police Service, finally announced a crackdown on Muslim rapists.
American Students Unsure Who To Cheat Off After Trump Revokes Chinese Student Visas
U.S. — According to reports, the Trump administration was revoking thousands of Chinese student visas, leaving American students in danger of having no one to cheat off of.
Joe Biden: In Memoriam [Do Not Post Until Biden Dies]
The Babylon Bee was saddened to learn of the passing of former President Joe Biden. [Note: Make sure this does not get published until it is 100% confirmed that he died.]
With Ban On International Students, Harvard Forced To Begin Accepting Students From Ohio
CAMBRIDGE, MA — With the Trump administration banning Harvard University from taking international students, the school was forced to begin accepting students from Ohio.
Housewarming Party Kicks Off With Land Acknowledgement For The Johnsons Who Lived There Since 2019
WARWICK, RI — A housewarming party for the Banning family reportedly started with a powerful land acknowledgment statement honoring the Johnson family who had previously lived in the home since 2019.