PEARLY GATES — According to Heavenly sources, Saint Peter had an unexpected run-in this week with a self-proclaimed Christian nationalist, who asked the apostle to kindly direct him to the "whites-only" section of Heaven.
Babylon Bee
Announcement: The Babylon Bee Is Now A Full-Service Restaurant And All Our Writers Are Compensated Entirely With Tips
ANNOUNCEMENT: The Babylon Bee is no longer a satire website. After months of strategy meetings and lots of thinking really hard, we have decided to pivot to becoming a full-service restaurant empire. In light of this change, all our writers and other staffers will now be known as…
Report: Somewhere In Alternate Universe President Ron Paul Overseeing America’s Next Golden Age
WASHINGTON, D.C., EARTH 741 — Recently obtained reports indicated that, somewhere in a parallel universe, President of the United States Ron Paul was currently overseeing the dawn of America’s next golden age.
Colorado Rockies Lose To Savannah Bananas 57-0
DENVER, CO — What had already been an abysmal start to the 2025 season reached a new low last night, as the struggling Colorado Rockies lost to the Savannah Bananas by a final score of 57-0.
Mormon Fakes Own Death So Everyone Will Make Funeral Potatoes
PROVO, UT — A local member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Brigham Smith, reportedly faked his own death in hopes of getting someone to bring him a pan of delicious Mormon Funeral Potatoes.
Biden Family Worried They May Be Running Out Of Time To Exploit Joe
GREENVILLE, DE — Following the recent announcement of Joe Biden’s stage 4 prostate cancer diagnosis, sources reported that Biden family members had grown increasingly worried that they were running out of time to exploit the former president.
New Streaming Service For Church Of Christ Members Filters Out All Musical Instruments
MERIDIAN, MI — A new streaming service designed for the more conservative and legalistic members of the Churches of Christ was announced Wednesday that would use artificial intelligence to digitally remove musical instruments from popular movies and TV shows.
Democrats Considering New Strategy Of Complaining Loudly Every Day About Trump
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Embattled after a difficult first several months of 2025, Democrats were reported to be considering a brilliant new strategy of complaining loudly every day about President Donald Trump.
11 Statements That Are Not Protected By The First Amendment
The First Amendment protects most forms of speech. But did you know that there are certain things even the Constitution does not allow? It’s true. Here are 11 statements that can get you in trouble with the law:
Trump Forces South African President To Watch Entirety Of ‘Home Alone 2’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House aides were reportedly caught off guard today as President Donald Trump abruptly dimmed the lights in the Oval Office and forced the visiting South African president to watch the entirety of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.