SAN DIEGO, CA — What had started out as a perfectly enjoyable outing with friends turned sour today, as a local man’s nice day outdoors drinking with the boys kept getting interrupted by having to hit a little white ball.
Babylon Bee
Jesus Heals Demon-Possessed Man By Taking Away His Smartphone
CAPERNAUM — Residents of several nearby villages were abuzz with excitement this week, as the traveling carpenter-turned-teacher Jesus of Nazareth healed a demon-possessed man by taking away his smartphone.
Wife Sad As She Realizes Husband Will Never Look At Her Like He Looks At A Cool Suspension Bridge
CASTRO MARIM, PORTUGAL — According to sources, American tourist Debrah Thompson’s mood soured Monday after seeing her husband gaze in wonderment at the Guadiana International Bridge, knowing in her heart that he would never look at her like she was a cool suspension bridge.
10 More Groups Trump Is Designating As Terrorist Organizations
The Muslim Brotherhood was officially designated a terrorist organization by the Trump administration, but they weren’t the only ones.
Shire Doctors Link High Cancer Rate To Use Of Pipeweed
MICHEL DELVING — According to the Gaffer, medical professionals published a paper linking the high rate of cancer among Hobbits to the smoking of pipeweed, a correlation he called "queer."
Chicago Kicks Off Holiday Season By Unveiling Festive Red And Green Crime-Scene Tape
CHICAGO, IL — Residents of the Windy City noticed that it was beginning to look a lot like Christmas these days, as the Chicago Police Department kicked off the holiday season by unveiling festive red and green crime scene tape.
Woman Brings Home World’s Most Effective, Adorable Alarm Clock
LANSING, MI — Local woman Mildred Donavon reportedly impressed her friends and family this week when she brought home the world’s most effective and affordable alarm clock.
Suspicions Raised As Wormtongue’s X Account Reveals He’s Based In Isengard
Suspicions were raised around the internet as Wormtongue’s X account was revealed to have been created in Isengard.
Trump To Execute All Turkeys Pardoned By Biden’s Autopen
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Anguished gobbles were heard throughout the Beltway this morning, after news broke that President Donald Trump would be executing all the turkeys pardoned by former President Joe Biden’s autopen.
Pastor Installs ‘Heresy Gong’ For When Associate Pastor Preaches
AMARILLO, TX — Local pastor Robbie Ashlock has installed a "Heresy Gong" in the sanctuary for whenever the associate pastor is up to preach.