HEAVEN — Celestial sources have recently confirmed that people who prefer ham to turkey at Thanksgiving will not enter the kingdom of God.
Babylon Bee
Indians Politely Decline Taste Of Pilgrims’ World-Famous Homemade Smallpox Casserole
PLYMOUTH COLONY — The world’s first Thanksgiving holiday reportedly ended with hurt feelings as the local natives appeared to politely decline a serving of the Pilgrims’ world-famous homemade smallpox casserole.
‘That Ukraine-Russia Peace Deal? I Brokered It. Me!’ Marco Rubio Tells Everyone At Thanksgiving Kids’ Table
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources at the White House say that Marco Rubio spent a full hour and a half telling the other little guys at the Thanksgiving kids’ table how he himself brokered the Ukraine-Russia peace deal.
Trump’s Strategy Of Hiring Lawyers Based On Bust Size Not Working As Well As Anticipated
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump’s seemingly bulletproof strategy of choosing lawyers exclusively based on bust size has not worked out nearly as well as anticipated.
Mall Santa Prepares For Seasonal Gig By Cutting Off Ankle Monitor
BLOOMINGTON, MN — With Thanksgiving nearly here, local man Chad Erickson was reportedly eager to get back to his true passion as a mall Santa Claus and has already begun preparing for the gig by cutting off his ankle monitor.
Trump Reminds Americans To Give Thanks For Him This Holiday
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a thoughtful Thanksgiving address, President Trump reminded the American people to give him thanks this holiday season.
Experts Say AI Could Replace The Jobs Of Not Only Humans, But Also Lawyers
A startling new study says Artificial Intelligence may be close to replacing many jobs for humans, and many jobs occupied by lawyers as well.
Man Torn Between Learning New Board Game Or Getting PhD In Quantum Physics
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Sources close to local man Bradley Mudd say that the 28-year-old is currently torn between learning a new board game and getting his PhD in quantum physics.
Radio Turned Off Once Again As ‘Santa Baby’ Comes On For The 5th Time This Hour
TULSA, OK — According to sources, the car radio was switched off after beloved but massively overplayed Christmas song "Santa Baby" came on the radio for the fifth time in the span of an hour.
Chicago Judge Hoping 23rd Time Is The Charm For Rehabilitating Violent Criminal
CHICAGO, IL — A Chicago judge ruled this week that a man previously arrested 23 times for various crimes would be totally rehabilitated if let off the hook this time around.