TUSTIN, CA — Louis Silverton, a longtime supporter of President Trump, says he can’t wait for America to finally be great again so he can stop wearing this itchy trucker hat.
Babylon Bee
Protesters Remain Unaffected By Trump’s Shower Head Deregulation
U.S. — According to sources, leftist protesters around the nation remain totally unaffected by President Donald Trump’s deregulation of shower heads.
Israelite King Would Just Once Like Prophets To Say God Is Pleased and Everything Is Dandy
SAMARIA — According to insiders, King Ahab of Israel lamented a recent meeting he had with the prophet Elijah, admitting that just once he would like the prophets to say God is pleased and that everything is fine and dandy.
Local Man Can’t Wait To Get Out There And Suck At Golf Again
LEAWOOD, KS — The warmer spring temperatures sweeping across the nation were met with excitement, as a local man told everyone he saw that he couldn’t wait to get out there and suck at golf again.
Democrats Worried Trump May Not Have China’s Best Interests At Heart
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As public debate intensified over the growing global trade uncertainty, prominent Democrats expressed concern that President Trump may not have China’s best interests at heart.
Man Checks News To See Whether Retirement Account Bankrupt Or Has A Million Dollars
RICHMOND, VA — As part of a new morning routine, local man Reggie Hayes checked the news to see if his retirement account had vanished or whether he was now a millionaire.
White Sox Introduce New Premium Indoor Suites With No Windows So You Don’t Have To Watch The White Sox Play
CHICAGO, IL — Devoted White Sox fans were overjoyed last week to discover that Rate Field had just been fully renovated to include new premium indoor suites with no windows so that you don’t have to watch the White Sox play.
Liberals In Despair As Stock Market Recovers
NEW YORK, NY — Local stockbroker and lifelong Democrat Dean Watter fell into utter despair today, tears falling from his eyes as he watched the stock market recover.
Jasmine Crockett Floats Down Mighty Mississippi To Purchase Fresh Shipment Of Mexican Slaves
NATCHEZ, MS — Congresswoman Jasmine Crockett was seen smoking a corncob pipe and playing a diddy on her banjo as she drifted down the mighty Mississippi River on her way to purchase a fresh shipment of Mexican slaves.
Winnie The Pooh Destitute As Trump Enacts 150% Tariffs On Hundred Acre Wood
HUNDRED ACRE WOOD — Local bear Winnie the Pooh has reportedly been left completely destitute after Trump enacted 150% tariffs on the Hundred Acre Wood earlier this week.