DENVER, CO — After starting the season with a 9-48 record, the Colorado Rockies have been officially demoted to a church softball league.
Babylon Bee
Furious Al Gore Seen Blowing Hair Dryer At Ice Caps To Stop Them From Regrowing
ANTARCTICA — With the unexpected growth of the polar ice caps ruining his climate campaign, a frustrated Al Gore was seen blowing a hair dryer at the ice caps in a desperate bid to get them melting again.
Doctor Treats Depression By Prescribing Pack O’ Cigs And A Coors Banquet Tallboy
MEMPHIS, TN — Local internal medicine doctor Timothy Raines has found incredible success treating depression by simply prescribing one pack of cigs and a Coors Banquet tallboy.
Federal Judge Rules Trump Must Use The Bad Controller
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another outrageous display of unprecedented judicial activism, a federal judge ruled earlier today that President Donald Trump must use the bad controller.
Elon Musk Extends Glowing Finger To Trump Before Stepping Into Rocket And Blasting Off
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a beautiful and heart-rending moment, Elon Musk extended a glowing finger to touch President Trump’s forehead before stepping into a rocket and returning to outer space with his people.
Health Experts Warn ‘Hamilton’ May Be Gateway To More Flamboyant Musicals
U.S. — Startling new data from health experts has shown that the musical Hamilton may be a gateway to far more flamboyant musicals.
Fun New Ark Of The Covenant Playset Actually Kills You If You Touch It
U.S. — American toy and playset manufacturer Little Tikes announced an exciting new playset modeled after the ancient Ark of the Covenant that actually kills you if you touch it.
Trump Aides Shocked To Find Biden’s Autopen Still Signing Bills In Storage Closet
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Aides in the White House were shocked this week to find former President Joe Biden’s autopen still signing bills in a storage closet.
Tom Cruise Kicking Himself After Learning He Could Have Been Using CGI This Whole Time
CLEARWATER, FL — Superstar actor Tom Cruise, fresh off a promotional tour for Mission: Impossible – The Final Reckoning, was reportedly kicking himself after learning that he could have been using CGI for stunts this whole time.
Palestine Distances Itself From Imagine Dragons
GAZA — In a statement issued to all media outlets, Palestine officially distanced itself from popular music group Imagine Dragons following the band’s recent waving of a Palestinian flag during a concert in Milan.