GAZA — Following news that the diminutive eco-geopolitical activist was once again planning to set sail to arrive in support of the Palestinian cause, Hamas terrorists released an official statement distancing themselves from Greta Thunberg.
Babylon Bee
Dallas Cowboys Invoke 25th Amendment On Jerry Jones
DALLAS, TX — The Dallas Cowboys organization has officially moved to invoke the 25th amendment in order to remove owner Jerry Jones from power.
The Babylon Bee Updated Guide To Christian Lingo
Christians, you might have noticed, have their own unique way of talking that can seem like a completely different language. To help you translate, the Babylon Bee has compiled this handy updated guide to Christian phrases:
Congregation’s Men Hit By Sudden Wave Of Allergies During Singing Of ‘Old Rugged Cross’
TOMBALL, TX — A sudden, inexplicable wave of allergies struck the men of Redeemer Church this morning during the singing of "Old Rugged Cross".
Kamala Harris Last Seen Fleeing Dozens Of International Assassins After Trump Cancels Her Secret Service Protection
LOS ANGELOS, CA — Following President Trump’s recent cancellation of Kamala Harris’ Secret Service protection, the former Vice-President was seen fleeing dozens of international assassins.
Pastor Asks Drummer To Stop Adding The ‘In The Air Tonight’ Drum Fill To Every Worship Song
IRVINE, CA — The pastor of Lord’s Vine Church has reportedly taken the lead drummer from their praise team aside and formally warned him to stop adding the drum fill from Phil Collins’ "In the Air Tonight" to every worship song.
Man Not Sure If Wife Already In Pajamas Or Still In Pajamas
AMARILLO, TX — After local man Jeremy Long got home from work a little early on Thursday he was greeted by a wife wearing pajamas, forcing him to consider whether or not she was "already" in pajamas or "still" in pajamas.
Russia, Ukraine Reach New Type of Truce Where They Keep Bombing Each Other
UKRAINE — Following constructive talks about ending their war, the leaders of Russia and Ukraine have reportedly reached a new type of truce where they keep bombing each other indefinitely.
Newsom Announces He Is Anti-Crime Until Next Election
SACRAMENTO, CA — Gavin Newsom’s poll numbers have skyrocketed after he recently announced that he will be anti-crime until the next election.
Ms. Frizzle’s Class Fails Reading After Spending The Year Shrunk Down In Some Guy’s Blood Instead Of Learning To Read
WALKERVILLE — Students at Walkerville Elementary School will reportedly be held back a year after it came to light that their teacher, Ms. Valerie Frizzle, shrank them down to miniature size to spend the year in some guy’s blood instead of teaching them to read.