DENVER, CO — Struggling to find a way to get up early to make it in to work on time, a local man decided to go with the foolproof method of setting his dog to vomit at 5:00 AM.
Babylon Bee
British Authorities Warn There Is A Man Loose On The Streets Threatening To Share An Opinion
LONDON — Authorities warned British citizens of widespread reports of a dangerous man loose on the streets, threatening to share an opinion.
More Winning: Trump Bombs Ship Smuggling 30,000 Kilos Of Pumpkin Spice
U.S. — In the latest in an ongoing streak of victories that experts predicted would significantly improve the lives of Americans, President Donald Trump announced that he had ordered the U.S. military to bomb a ship smuggling over 30,000 kilos of illegal pumpkin spice.
Hunter Biden Tells Dad He Going To Need A New Boat
REHOBOTH BEACH, DE — Hunter Biden informed his father today that, due to an unexpected malfunction, he is going to be needing a new boat.
9 Most Surprising Things You Can Get Arrested For In The UK
Authorities in the UK are cracking down on just about everything these days, but some of the things that can get you in trouble may surprise you.
Osama Bin Laden Getting Real Friggin’ Tired Of Not Getting Credit for 9/11
THE INFERNO — In a stunning tell-all interview from the bowels of Hell, Osama bin Laden said he is getting really friggin’ sick and tired of not getting credit for 9/11.
Family Picture Once Again Ruined By Aiden
CINCINNATI, OH — According to preliminary reports from the ground, yet another one of the Grayson’s family photos has been totally by Aiden.
Navy Recruitment Soars After Going Back To Blowing Up Pirates
U.S. — Recruitment for the United States Navy has soared overnight after going back to its roots of blowing up pirates.
Trump Invites Doubting Democrats To Touch The Hole In His Ear
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump laid rumors of health decline to rest yesterday by inviting doubting Democrats to come forward and touch the hole in his ear.
Stubborn Trump Refuses To Admit He’s Dead
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a statement from the Oval Office, President Trump stubbornly refused to admit that he died this past weekend.