U.S. — Facing heavy criticism for going easy on violent criminals, a group of Democrats sought to prove that they are tough on crime by proposing a bold new "100 Strikes and You’re Out" law.
Babylon Bee
Trump Calms World By Assuring Nothing Bad Has Ever Happened After Dictator Invades Poland
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump calmed an anxious world today with assurances that nothing bad has ever happened in the wake of a vicious dictator invading Poland.
Entire City Of Ninevah Repents As Jonah Plays Stirring Rendition Of ‘Softly And Tenderly’ On Piano
NINEVAH — Eyewitnesses from Ninevah report that the entire wretched, depraved city was convicted and led to repent of its sin as Jonah quietly played the piano.
Trump Deports Phillies Karen To El Salvador Prison
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump announced the immediate deportation of the infamous "Phillies Karen," a woman who complained until a baseball was taken from a child, to an El Salvador Prison.
Navy Airdrops Public Defender Onto Drug Boat To Give Cartel Members Due Process
GULF OF MEXICO — In a compromise intended to silence critics of the Trump Administration’s aggressive stance against drug traffickers, the U.S. Navy airdropped a public defender onto a drug boat to give cartel members due process.
Parents Meeting With Teacher Shocked To Learn How Responsible, Respectful, And Kind Their Child Is While At School
RACINE, WI — Jim and Linda Stevenson were in for a shock at this year’s teachers’ meetings when their son’s third-grade teacher informed them of how responsible, respectful, and kind their child was while at school.
David Condemned For Executing Goliath Without Due Process
VALLEY OF ELAH — What should have been a joyous celebration following a decisive victory over the Philistines turned to controversy, as the young shepherd boy David was condemned for executing the giant Goliath of Gath without due process.
NFL Fires Officiating Crew That Allowed Chiefs To Lose Season Opener
NEW YORK, NY — A major shakeup sent shockwaves across the NFL following the first week of the new season, as the league fired the officiating crew that allowed the Kansas City Chiefs to lose their season opener.
Democrats Condemn Stabbing Victims For Inflating Crime Numbers
CHARLOTTE, NC — Democratic lawmakers responded to the fatal stabbing of a Ukrainian refugee aboard the Charlotte light rail be condemning all stabbing victims for inflating crime numbers.
WNBA Fans Out For Season
U.S. — All WNBA fans have officially been ruled out for the remainder of the 2025 season.