U.S. — Democrats have begun wondering if perhaps they should stop saying the sorts of things that assassins engrave on shell casings for when they murder people.
Babylon Bee
Media Says Motives Unclear of Killer Who Wrote Manifesto Entitled ‘Here Are My Motives’
U.S. — The media has announced that the motives remain unclear of an assassin who wrote a manifesto called "Here Are My Motives."
Entire American University System Officially Designated A Terrorist Organization
U.S. — The entirety of the American higher education system has officially been designated a terrorist organization by the United States federal government.
Universities Quietly Cancel ‘Kill Conservatives 101’ Courses
U.S. — In the days following the assassination of Charlie Kirk, universities across the country were quietly canceling their "Kill Conservatives 101" classes.
‘I Hope Someone Names A Frozen Pizza After Me’ Thinks Red Baron While Being Shot Down In WWI Dogfight
VAUX-SUR-SOMME — New evidence has led historians to suggest that Manfred von Richthofen — known as the "Red Baron" — briefly entertained the hope of someday having a line of frozen pizzas named after him as he was shot down in a World War I dogfight.
‘Ladies And Gentlemen, We Got Him,’ Announces FBI After Killer Turns Himself In
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Officials from the Federal Bureau of Investigation held a congratulatory press conference on Friday to notify the public that the agency had successfully apprehended the man suspected of murdering conservative activist Charlie Kirk after the shooter turned himself in.
Dad Teaches Son Importance Of Doing Your Own Oil Changes So It Will Take Longer And Cost More
BLOOMINGTON, IL — Neighbors were impressed by local man Marcus Hardwick, who took the time to pass on generational knowledge to his son about how to change your car’s oil yourself, so it will take longer and cost more.
12 Million Charlie Kirks Created Overnight
U.S. — Experts revealed that an estimated 12 million new Charlie Kirks had been created overnight following the murder of the conservative echelon earlier this week. The army of Charlie Kirks was said to be uniformly committed to continuing the original Kirk’s message and mission of hope and…
Heaven Confirms Pastors Are Allowed To Speed On Way To Church
HEAVEN — According to heavenly sources, church pastors are officially exempt from all posted speeding limits and well within their rights to speed on the way to church.
Democrats Say There’s No Place For Violence Against Evil Nazi Republicans That Are Literally Killing People And Destroying America
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Several prominent Democrats issued statements this week, condemning the recent assassination of a man who shared his opinion by saying there is absolutely no place for violence against evil Nazi Republicans who are literally killing people and destroying America.