Speculation over who will be the next occupant of the Holy See has gone wild, with President Trump the latest to throw his name into the ring. Here are twelve changes Trump is promising to make if he is named the next Pope:
Babylon Bee
Are Your Kids Possessed By Demons Or Just Normal Toddlers? How To Tell The Difference
You wake up in the middle of the night to discover a toddler has silently been staring at you for the last hour. Is it your normal child… or is it a demon? Parents have struggled with this question for thousands of years. That’s why we’ve consulted the…
Plastic Army Men: RANKED
As kids, few gifts were more cherished than a new set of little plastic army men. We spent hundreds of hours recreating all sorts of battles, and the reality is that some of these little guys are made for glory, and others are doomed for destruction. Here are…
Bill Belichick Puts Girlfriend In Pack ‘N Play Until Practice Is Over
CHAPEL HILL, NC — One of the most successful football coaches brushed off the recent media controversy and finally got back to the important business of putting together his team, as Bill Belichick put his girlfriend in a Pack ‘n Play until practice was over.
Media Says No Evidence Demon-Horned Man With Sith Tattoos And Red Lightsaber A Member Of The Sith
CORUSCANT — Despite rampant allegations regarding the appearance of a dark-robed figure engaging in nefarious activities on various star systems, the media maintained that there was no evidence that indicated the demon-horned man with Sith tattoos all over his face and body and wielding a red-bladed lightsaber was…
Parents Distraught After Finding Soccer Ball Under Son’s Bed
GLADEWATER — Local parents Carl and Patricia Nootsen are reportedly distraught after discovering a soccer ball under their son’s bed.
Heaven Issues Clarification That God Will Answer All Prayers But This Doesn’t Mean He’ll Give You Force Powers
HEAVEN — Sources close to the High Throne of Heaven confirmed that God does indeed hear all your prayers, but that doesn’t mean that He’ll give you Force powers, even if you ask really hard.
Kamala Harris Livestream Speech Will Charge $25 To Use Mute Button
U.S. — An upcoming live-streamed speech by former Vice President Kamala Harris will reportedly charge viewers $25 to mute her.
Newly Discovered Third Epistle To Timothy Features Paul Warning Him Against Starting A Podcast
EPHESUS — An ancient document discovered in the region of Ephesus may be a long-lost third letter to Timothy, where Paul warns the young preacher not to start a podcast, say researchers.
Global Birth Rates Hit Historic Lows As Elon Musk Busy With DOGE
CAMBRIDGE, MA — A group of prominent sociologists sounded an alarm this week, citing new data that indicated global fertility rates had hit historic lows while Elon Musk was busy with DOGE.