U.S. — With political tensions running at a renewed high since the assassination of Charlie Kirk, Democrats across the country expressed confusion after seeing numerous clips of conservatives holding weird Molotov cocktails that didn’t ever explode.
Babylon Bee
FBI Debates Whether Or Not They Should Investigate ‘Tranny Terrorist Murder Planning Committee’ Discord Channel
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, the investigation into the assassination of Charlie Kirk is on hold while federal agents are currently deliberating whether or not to investigate a Discord channel called "Tranny Terrorist Murder Planning Committee".
Wife Disappointed To Learn Husband Doesn’t Actually Have Two Tickets To The Gun Show
FEDERAL WAY, WA — Local wife Kristina Madsen was disappointed to learn over the weekend that her husband didn’t actually have "two tickets to the gun show" as he’d previously asserted.
Fraud Alert Triggered As Wife’s Credit Card Used To Spend Less Than 100 Dollars At Target
EBENSBURG, PA — Local husband Bill Schafer was surprised to learn his debit card had been locked after the bank issued a fraud alert because his wife spent less than $100 at Target.
Gandalf Tells Saruman To Stop Doom-Scrolling On Palantír
ISENGARD — According to reports coming from the tower of Orthanc, Gandalf has told his fellow wizard Saruman to stop doom-scrolling on his palantír.
Scholars Now Believe That The Prodigal Son Returned Home After His Father Changed The Netflix Password
JUDEA — New historical evidence may indicate that the prodigal son returned home after his father changed the Netflix password on him, according to scholars of the ancient world.
Jordan Peele Announces New Movie ‘STICKS’ Where White People Beat Black People With Sticks (The Sticks Are A Metaphor For Racism)
HOLLYWOOD — Comedian and horror auteur Jordan Peele announced his next project will be STICKS, a film where white people beat black people with sticks as a subtle metaphor for racism.
Cancel Culture: Leftist Fired Simply For Having A Different Opinion On Whether Conservatives Should Be Murdered
CHICAGO, IL — In what has been described as a disturbing "canceling" trend sweeping across social media, a local leftist was fired from her job simply for having a different opinion on whether conservatives should be murdered.
McGruff The Crime Dog Goes Undercover In Furry Terrorist Cell
U.S. — As federal authorities launched investigations into alleged left-wing extremist groups in the wake of acts of political violence, sources revealed that McGruff the Crime Dog had been enlisted to go undercover in a furry terrorist cell.
Millions Of Christian Extremists Gather To Pray For Those Who Want To Kill Them
U.S. — Reports from across the country reveal millions of Christian extremists gathered in groups this morning to pray for the people who want to kill them.