MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Sources say local teenager Ben Jackson was really struggling to stay awake the day after only getting 14 hours of sleep.
Babylon Bee
Report: MAGA Now Divided Into 77,302,580 Distinct Factions
U.S. — New polling data suggests the MAGA movement has split into approximately 77,302,580 distinct factions.
New Dad-GPT Just Responds To All Queries With “OK”
SILICON VALLEY, CA — AI has become more lifelike than ever before, say advance users of OpenAI’s new "Dad-GPT," which responds to all queries with a simple "OK."
After Latest Head Injury, Fetterman Announces He’s Joining Whig Party
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After suffering yet another head injury, Senator John Fetterman announced he was joining the Whig Party.
8 Ways Trump Is Exactly Like Moses
You may think President Trump has little in common with Moses from the Old Testament, but you’d be wrong. The two are practically carbon copies of each other. Here are just eight of the ways that Trump is exactly like Moses:
Bible Scholars: Paul’s Third Letter To Corinthians Was Rejected For Clearly Being AI-Generated
OXFORD — After much deliberation, an international team of Bible scholars has recently determined that an alleged third letter of Paul to the Corinthians was rejected for being obviously AI-generated.
Millions Convert To Christianity After Theologians Confirm There Is No Microsoft Teams In Heaven
WORLD — In an event the likes of which haven’t been seen in decades, millions of people converted to Christianity after learning there is no Microsoft Teams in Christian Heaven.
In Devastating Blow, Newly Released Emails Reveal Trump Not Well-Liked By Pedophile
U.S. – In a huge blow to President Trump, newly released emails indicate that he was not well-liked by a pedophile.
Five Guys Now Offering 50-Year Burger Financing
ALEXANDRIA, VA — Inspired by the Trump White House’s move toward 50-year mortgages, popular burger chain Five Guys announced it would be addressing the ongoing "Five Guys Affordability Crisis" with convenient 50-year burger financing.
Dodge Introduces New Truck Headlights That Blast Gamma Ray Bursts Into Your Eyeballs
AUBURN HILLS, MI — Truck manufacturer Dodge unveiled new headlights today that would come standard with new models and were designed specifically to blast gamma ray bursts into your eyeballs.