U.S. — MSNBC reported today that Abraham Lincoln has been shot by a Union soldier who was just firing his rifle in celebration.
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Captain Falcon Starting To Wonder If Always Shouting ‘FALCON PUNCH’ Might Be Telegraphing Moves
ARENA FEROX — As his opponent once again successfully dodged his attack, Captain Falcon began to wonder if shouting "FALCON PUNCH!!" before punching people might be telegraphing his moves.
Researchers Say Modern Man Unable To Create Shows As Good As ‘Animaniacs’
CAMBRIDGE, MA — Despite years of attempts by the most brilliant minds on the planet, researchers said that modern man is unable to create any television shows as good as Animaniacs.
7 Great New Jobs For Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel may have been relieved of his duties at Jimmy Kimmel Live!, but that doesn’t mean he’s ready to retire. He’s only 57, has bills to pay, and has plenty of good years left.
Dems Warn Someday Conservatives Will Find Out What It’s Like To Be Canceled
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Prominent Democrats issued an ominous warning to conservatives in light of Jimmy Kimmel’s sudden cancellation, vowing that someday, conservatives would find out what it’s like to be canceled.
Wife Making Weekend Plans Completely Unaware That Husband Is In Heated Battle For America’s Soul In Facebook Comments Section
TOLEDO, OH — Local wife Cindy Houston admitted she was totally unaware her husband was locked in a virtuous battle for the soul of America on Facebook when she made plans for the family this weekend.
Jimmy Kimmel: ‘I Am The First Victim Of The Murder Of Charle Kirk’
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Comedian and indefinitely suspended late-night TV host Jimmy Kimmel issued a statement on Friday in which he had the unfortunate task of informing the public that he had become the first victim of the murder of Charlie Kirk.
FCC Mandates Every Station Air Nightly Broadcast Of ‘The President Trump Happy Fun Variety Hour’
U.S. — Effective immediately, every television station will begin airing a nightly broadcast of The President Trump Happy Fun Variety Hour, as mandated by the Federal Communications Commission (FCC).
Democrats Hold Candlelight Vigils For Jimmy Kimmel
LOS ANGELES, CA — Democrats gathered together outside the El Capitan Theatre on Hollywood Boulevard, bearing candles and saying silent prayers on behalf of Jimmy Kimmel, whose show, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, was placed on hold indefinitely.
After Antifa Designated A Terrorist Organization, Trump Orders Drone Strikes On Portland
PORTLAND, OR — In an unprecedented move, President Trump authorized a drone strike on Portland after designating Antifa a terrorist organization.