The new Republican-controlled Congress is now in its fifth month, leaving millions of people who voted for them wondering when they might get around to… maybe… accomplishing some of the important things they campaigned on, like defunding popular baby-murder corporation Planned Parenthood.
Babylon Bee
Eagle Firing AR-15 Emerges From Vatican Indicating An American Pope Has Been Selected
VATICAN — In an aerial display that delighted millions, the Vatican conclave released a bald eagle firing an AR-15 into the air to signal that an American pope had been selected.
JD Vance Already Making Plans To Kill New Pope
U.S. — In the minutes following the announcement of Chicago Cardinal Robert F. Prevost as the new Pope, Vice President Vance has reportedly already begun making plans to kill him.
Catholics Frantically Google New Pope To See If He’s Catholic
BREAKING: Smoke Has Risen From Buc-ee’s Indicating Fresh Brisket Is On The Board
WACO, TX — The gathered crowds broke out into deafening cheers as smoke rose from Buc-ee’s this afternoon, indicating fresh brisket was on the board.
Fox News Calls Papacy For Joe Biden
U.S. — Fox News has announced that it is ready to officially project the winner of the papacy, calling the conclave for Joe Biden.
Sad: AOC Unable To Obtain Real ID Because She Died On Jan 6 And Is A Ghost
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The national movement to require everyone to convert their forms of identification continued to receive pushback as Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez revealed she was unable to obtain a Real ID because she died on Jan 6 and is now a ghost.
Trump Sends In Nicolas Cage To Reoccupy Alcatraz
SAN FRANCISCO — Nicolas Cage has successfully infiltrated Alcatraz after being tapped by President Trump to reoccupy the famous island prison.
India Retaliates Against Pakistan By Scamming Them Out Of Millions In Amazon Gift Cards
INDIA — In a brutal response to the killings in Kashmir, India retaliated against Pakistani by scamming their foes out of millions in Amazon gift cards.
Trump Renames San Francisco Bay ‘Gulf Of Criminals’
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — As part of his ongoing crusade to change the name of each body of water in the world, President Donald Trump announced on Wednesday that the San Francisco Bay would now be known as the "Gulf of Criminals."