Kids these days are a bunch of weenies, and it all starts with not enough of them smoking cigarettes.
Babylon Bee
Sad: Great White Shark Stripped Of UPenn Women’s Swimming Title
PHILADELPHIA, PA — After years of outrage, a Pennsylvanian Great White shark was stripped this morning of its University of Pennsylvania Women’s Swimming titles by school officials.
UPenn Announces Matt Walsh As New Women’s Swim Coach
PHILADELPHIA — In addition to stripping transgender swimmer Lia Thomas of his titles the University of Pennsylvania has agreed to hire on Matt Walsh as the new women’s swim coach.
Diddy Celebrates Acquittal With Massive Freak-Off
LOS ANGELES — Sean "Diddy" Coombs celebrated his acquittal on sex trafficking and racketeering charges this morning by hosting a massive "freak-off."
UK Police Release Updated Chart Showing Who You’re Allowed To Be Racist Against
LONDON — In a move intended to help citizens direct their hatred toward the appropriate parties, UK police released an updated chart showing who you’re currently allowed to be racist against.
Mamdani Says He Will Build Wall Separating East New York From West New York
NEW YORK, NY — As part of his campaign platform in his attempt to become the next mayor of New York City, Zohran Mamdani pledged that he would build a wall separating East New York from West New York.
Illegal Immigrants Removed From Census, Leaving California With Population Of 12
U.S. — Population numbers have shifted drastically in light of new changes to the census program, which remove illegal immigrants from official population numbers. As a result, California, once the most populous state in the country, now has a total population of just 12 people.
Jesus Delights Crowd By Miraculously Turning Oatmeal Raisin Cookies Into Chocolate Chip
BETHSAIDA — The amazing reputation built by a Galilean carpenter-turned-traveling rabbi grew even more impressive this week, as Jesus of Nazareth miraculously turned a plate of disgusting oatmeal raisin cookies into chocolate chip.
Man Spends Six Years Digging Tunnel From Church Parking Lot To Sanctuary So He Can Avoid Greeters
PHOENIX, AZ — Deacons reportedly uncovered an elaborate tunnel running underneath a local church property Monday. They believe it was the work of one man who really hates interacting with church greeters.
Thomas Massie Unveils Small, Ugly Budget Bill With A Great Personality
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In his latest move to fight against the looming passage of President Donald Trump’s "Big Beautiful Bill," Congressman Thomas Massie unveiled his very own "Small, Ugly Budget Bill with a Great Personality."