CAPE TOWN — While controversy over displaced farmers swirled in the United States, officials in South Africa denounced white refugees for leaving before they had a chance to take all their stuff and kill them.
Babylon Bee
LDS Theologians Confirm Apostates Will Be Sent To Outer Darkness Where There Is Only Weeping And Imagine Dragons
SALT LAKE CITY — A letter issued by the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has clarified what lay members have long suspected: that upon death, apostates will be sent to outer darkness where there is only weeping and the sound of Imagine…
Pete Rose Hall Of Fame Induction Ceremony To Be Sponsored By DraftKings
COOPERSTOWN, NY — Despite not yet being officially elected to the prestigious and exclusive group, one late baseball player already landed a lucrative sponsorship, as it was announced that Pete Rose’s Hall of Fame induction ceremony would be brought to you by DraftKings.
Couple Declines To Attend Chinese Underground Church Over Lack Of Children’s Programming
XUANHUA — One local family’s search for a new place of worship continued last weekend, as a couple declined to attend a Chinese underground church over its lack of children’s programming.
DNC To Remove David Hogg After Realizing He’s David Hogg
U.S. — The Democratic National Committee has begun the process to oust David Hogg from its leadership after realizing that he is David Hogg.
Here Are 8 Other Gifts World Leaders Are Giving To America
While the Qatrai government’s giving President Donald Trump a luxurious, state-of-the-art jet has grabbed headlines, it’s actually quite common for foreign governments to send things as special gifts to build relations and curry favor.
Top Baby Names In UK Now Muhammad, Mohammed, Mohamad, And Mohamed
UNITED KINGDOM — According to the Office for National Statistics (ONS), the names Muhammad, Mohammed, Mohamad, and Mohamed are now the most popular names in England.
South Africa Excited To Achieve 100% Diversity Once It Gets Rid Of All The White People
CAPE TOWN — One nation set its sights on becoming the envy of the rest of the globe, as the South African government said the country would soon achieve 100% diversity once it gets rid of all the white people.
Dangerous Tyrant Threatens To Suspend Habeas Corpus
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Abraham Lincoln has done the unthinkable and suspended the writ of habeas corpus, which shall surely be the end of our democracy and the beginning of a 1000-tyranny and darkness for all eternity.
Trump, Saudi Crown Prince Enjoy Romantic Evening Magic Carpet Ride For Two
WORLD — As part of a historic visit to the Middle East, President Trump and Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman reportedly shared a romantic evening magic carpet ride for two.