WASHINGTON, D.C. — Facing an alarming health crisis across the U.S. military leadership, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced on Tuesday that he had hired legendary fitness trainers Hans and Franz to get all the top generals into shape.
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Hamas Rejects Deal To End Genocide After Learning It Would Require Them To Stop Killing Jews
GAZA — Despite early reports that the Palestinian terrorist organization was open to accepting the terms of President Donald Trump’s brokered peace plan, Hamas rejected the deal to end alleged genocide in the region after learning it would require them to stop killing Jews.
Researchers Believe Autism Is Caused By Trains Being So Gosh Darned Cool
U.S. — A groundbreaking study of the factors contributing to autism has convinced scientists and doctors that autism is most likely caused by trains being so gosh darned cool.
Trump Gives Israel And Palestine Tablets To Play With So They’ll Stop Fighting
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Great Negotiator has done it again: President Donald Trump recently unveiled a genius plan to give Israel and Palestine tablets to play with so that they’ll stop fighting.
Wife Says She Stayed Up All Night Thinking About What You Said About Her Overthinking Things
SALT LAKE CITY — Local wife Alison Weaver told her husband Matt she was up all night thinking about what he told her earlier that day about her overthinking stuff too much.
Mormons Respond To Attack By Continuing To Be Amazingly Kind To Everyone
GRAND BLANC, MI — Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints responded to the tragic attacks on one of their locations by continuing to be nice and friendly to everyone they met.
Smart: This Man Joined The Mets So He Could Get Whole October Off Every Year
NEW YORK, NY — In a move experts now hail as one of the more shrewd decisions made in the professional sports world in the last several years, star baseball player Juan Soto revealed that he joined the Mets so he could get the entire month of October…
Innovative Worship Song Breaks New Ground By Having More Than 7 Different Words
KANSAS CITY, MO — A local church praise team reached a level of achievement not seen since the days of classic hymns, as a worship song written by the band leader broke new ground by having more than 7 different words.
NFL Hoping To Win Back Conservatives With Super Bowl Performance By Spanish-Speaking Man In Dress
U.S. — The National Football League is apparently working double time to win back its conservative fanbase by planning a Super Bowl halftime show with a Spanish-speaking man in a dress.
Dems Outraged By Unprecedented Political Prosecutions Of People Not Named Trump
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to several statements to the press, Democrats are outraged by the unprecedented political prosecutions of people not named Donald Trump.