WASHINGTON, D.C. — Chaos ensued outside the U.S. Capitol yesterday, as Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene’s press conference on cloud seeding was suddenly interrupted by a massive tornado.
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Gavin Newsom Declares California A Sanctuary State For Child Slavery
SACRAMENTO, CA — In the latest front on his war against the Trump administration’s immigration policies, Governor Gavin Newsom officially declared California a sanctuary state for child slavery.
Pam Bondi Confirms Greedo Shot First
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following an extensive investigation, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi held a press conference to announce that the Department of Justice had officially confirmed that Greedo shot first.
New White Sox City Connect Jerseys Feature Bullet Holes, Realistic Blood Splatter
CHICAGO, IL — White Sox fans were going wild for their team’s brand-new Citty Connect Jerseys, which vividly reflect life in Chi-Town with realistic bullet holes and blood splatters.
9 Exciting New Inclusive Barbies
With Mattel’s introduction of a Barbie doll with Type 1 diabetes, the toy industry was abuzz with rumors of other inclusive Barbie dolls that could be on the way.
Jesus’s Defense Lawyer Facepalms As Client Says ‘Yes, I Am The Messiah, And You Will See The Son Of Man Sitting At The Right Hand Of The Mighty One And Coming On The Clouds Of Heaven.’
JERUSALEM — A Galilean teacher arrested just outside the city during the night reportedly frustrated his court-appointed public defense lawyer during a Sanhedrin trial, after he stood before Caiaphas and proclaimed: "Yes, I am the Messiah, and you will see the son of man sitting at the right…
New WNBA Video Game Adds Option To Shiv Caitlin Clark
U.S. — In a feature that fans praised for bringing a new level of realism to the playing experience, developers of the WNBA mode for the new NBA 2K26 added an option to shiv Caitlin Clark.
Disaster: Liberal Goes Back In Time To Kill Hitler But Now Has No One To Compare People He Disagrees With To
GENEVA — History was unmade this week after a time traveler went back in time to kill Adolf Hitler to prevent World War II and the extermination of six million Jews. However, in a cruel twist of fate, he now had no one to compare people he disagrees…
Republicans Unveil Debt Plan: Transfer Balance To Capital One Credit Card With 0% Intro APR
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that experts said could finally resolve the deficit crisis once and for all, congressional Republicans unveiled a new debt plan to transfer the balance to a Capital One credit card with a 0% intro APR.
Former White House Doctor Denies Ever Knowing A “Joe Biden”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former White House Physician Dr. Kevin O’Connor, who served from 2020-2024, testified this morning that he has never known any person by the name of "Joe Biden."