WASHINGTON, D.C. — A man arrested outside the Capital Jewish Museum in the downtown area reportedly sought to clarify that he was under the impression that the slogan "Free Palestine" really just means that Palestinians should be "free" to kill all the Jews.
Babylon Bee
Man Considers Himself A Hacker After Guessing His Own Gmail Password On 3rd Try
NEWPORT BEACH, CA — Local man Harold Dermott initially struggled to access his Gmail on Friday, but after correctly guessing his password on his third try, now considers himself a bona fide hacker.
Trump Insists Next Chinese Pandemic Must Be Made In America
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another stage in the escalating trade conflict with China, President Donald Trump issued a statement insisting that the next Chinese pandemic be made in America.
Wife Confident Just One More Stanley Cup Will Fill God-Shaped Hole In Her Heart
FORT WORTH, TX — Local wife and mother Sienna Danner already has a collection of 70 Stanley tumblers, but expressed confidence that just one more might be exactly what she needed to fill the God-shaped hole in her heart.
Christian Nationalist Asks St. Peter To Direct Him To ‘Whites-Only’ Section Of Heaven
PEARLY GATES — According to Heavenly sources, Saint Peter had an unexpected run-in this week with a self-proclaimed Christian nationalist, who asked the apostle to kindly direct him to the "whites-only" section of Heaven.
Announcement: The Babylon Bee Is Now A Full-Service Restaurant And All Our Writers Are Compensated Entirely With Tips
ANNOUNCEMENT: The Babylon Bee is no longer a satire website. After months of strategy meetings and lots of thinking really hard, we have decided to pivot to becoming a full-service restaurant empire. In light of this change, all our writers and other staffers will now be known as…
Report: Somewhere In Alternate Universe President Ron Paul Overseeing America’s Next Golden Age
WASHINGTON, D.C., EARTH 741 — Recently obtained reports indicated that, somewhere in a parallel universe, President of the United States Ron Paul was currently overseeing the dawn of America’s next golden age.
Colorado Rockies Lose To Savannah Bananas 57-0
DENVER, CO — What had already been an abysmal start to the 2025 season reached a new low last night, as the struggling Colorado Rockies lost to the Savannah Bananas by a final score of 57-0.
Mormon Fakes Own Death So Everyone Will Make Funeral Potatoes
PROVO, UT — A local member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Brigham Smith, reportedly faked his own death in hopes of getting someone to bring him a pan of delicious Mormon Funeral Potatoes.
Biden Family Worried They May Be Running Out Of Time To Exploit Joe
GREENVILLE, DE — Following the recent announcement of Joe Biden’s stage 4 prostate cancer diagnosis, sources reported that Biden family members had grown increasingly worried that they were running out of time to exploit the former president.