ANAHEIM, CA — A moment of awkwardness arose over the weekend, as Disneyland staff had to politely inform JD Vance that the park was closing and he would have to get off Ariel’s Undersea Adventure now.
Babylon Bee
Biden’s Teleprompter Assures Nation It Approved All Autopen Decisions
WASHINTON, D.C. — Former President Joe Biden’s teleprompter cleared up some recent controversy in a statement it released Monday, stating it personally approved of all the autopen pardons during the Biden presidency."I personally and single-handedly approved every pardon signed by the autopen machine," The teleprompter said in yellow…
Life Hack: Do Whatever Despicable Thing You Want, And When People Call You Out, Just Hit ‘Em With The ‘Judge Not’
Have you ever wanted to put those pesky Christians in their place? Better yet, are you a person who claims to be a Christian, but you want to just live however you want without any accountability or correction from other Christians? An amazing new life hack could do…
Buckle Up, Amigos: Dad Just Put On His Headlamp
Buckle up, Amigos. Things are about to get real up in here.
Justice Roberts Gives KBJ A Magna Doodle To Keep Her Busy During Oral Arguments
WASHINGTON, D.C. — To avoid further controversy over her unorthodox lines of questioning and uninformed opinions on Supreme Court cases, Chief Justice John Roberts reportedly gave Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson a Magnadoodle to keep her busy during oral arguments.
Elmo Leads Division Of Panzers Across Polish Border
SZCZECIN — A Europe that was already on the brink of war seemed poised to boil over into chaos on Monday, as news broke that Elmo had led a division of Panzer tanks across the Polish border.
Bear On California State Flag Moves To Texas
SACRAMENTO, CA — A piece of the Golden State’s heritage was lost today, as the iconic grizzly bear that had adorned the California state flag announced that he had officially moved to Texas.
Trump Honors Gay Community By Attending Soccer Match
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ — In what political experts said was a bold move to reach across ideological boundaries, President Donald Trump honored the gay community by attending a soccer match.
150-Pound Jabba The Hut Denies Using Ozempic
TATOOINE — Despite rumors circulating that the infamous gangster had transformed his look with the help of the trendy weight-loss drug, the now 150-pound Jabba the Hutt issued a public statement denying the use of Ozempic.
CNN Marks One-Year Anniversary Of Trump Falling Down After Loud Popping Noises
U.S. — CNN took time out of its broadcast today to mark the one-year anniversary of the time President Trump fell over at a rally after some loud popping noises.