SPRINGFIELD, IL — Seeking to ramp up his opposition force against the invasion of federal agents seeking to enforce the law, Governor JB Pritzker activated 100 battalions of illegal immigrants in Illinois’s war against ICE.
Babylon Bee
20 Christ Metaphors In Video Games
Video games have a reputation for violence and novelty, but they can actually be quite Christ-focused. Just consider these top 20 Christ metaphors in video games:
Wife Decides To Ask Question To 10,000 Random Strangers On Facebook Rather Than Googling It
FRANKLIN, KY — A strange phenomenon was observed in a local household this week, as a husband noticed that his wife again decided to ask a question to 10,000 random strangers on Facebook rather than just googling it to get the right answer.
With Government Shutdown Closing National Parks, Moose Forced to Find New Jobs
GRAND TETONS, WA — In a tragic displacement caused by the ongoing government shutdown of National Parks, moose across the country have been forced to find new jobs.
The Three Surviving Members Of Hamas Starting To Think Oct. 7 Wasn’t A Great Idea
GAZA — The few remaining terrorists keeping up the fight against Israel acknowledged their grim circumstances this week, as the three surviving members of Hamas started to think that maybe their October 7, 2023, wasn’t such a great idea.
Parents Worried Non-Violent Video Games Turning Kids Into Sissies
U.S. — The results of a new study on violent video games appear to show that parents are concerned that non-violent video games are turning their kids into sissies.
Chicago Mayor Hoping His ICE-Free Zones Work Better Than His Gun-Free Zones
CHICAGO, IL — As the city seeks to push back against President Donald Trump’s efforts to enforce immigration law, Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson told his aides that he hoped their "ICE-Free Zones" would work a lot better than their "Gun-Free Zones."
Church Organist Close To Figuring Out What All These Pedals And Buttons Are For
GRAND RAPIDS, MI — A new milestone in church history was in the verge of being reached this week, as the organist at St. Stephen Lutheran Church was reportedly close to figuring out what all those pedals and buttons are for.
9 Terrifying Changes Bari Weiss Is Making At CBS News
Journalist Bari Weiss has taken over CBS news, which may be the end of journalism as we know it. Sources say she is already making aggressive changes to the network.
As Shutdown Continues, Feral Government Workers Begin Roaming Streets In Packs
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the shutdown of the federal government continues, feral government workers have begun to roam American streets in packs.