U.S. — In just the latest example of the woke virus takeover, the newest installment of the Jurassic Park franchise will reportedly have a woman in it.
Babylon Bee
After TSA Policy Change, Production Finally Resumes At Crazy Mohammed’s Shoe Bomb Factory
DAMASCUS — Following the announcement by the Transportation Security Administration that the policy requiring airline passengers to remove their footwear at airport checkpoints was being lifted, news broke that production had finally resumed at Crazy Mohammed’s Shoe Bomb Factory.
Mattel Introduces New ‘Ozempic Barbie’ With Syringe And Detachable Belly
U.S. — Toy maker Mattel has unveiled the latest in its Barbie lineup, the all-new "Ozempic Barbie" that comes with real syringes and a detachable belly for when the initially-chubby Barbie sheds that weight.
Ilhan Omar Announces Engagement To Grok
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Representative Ilhan Omar announced this morning that she is officially engaged to the artificial intelligence system known as Grok.
Man’s Faith In God Shaken After Prayer For Lightsaber Goes Unanswered
HUNTSVILLE, AL — Local man Brad Sharp had his faith in God shaken to its core after his prayer for a real, functioning lightsaber went unanswered.
TSA Announces Passengers No Longer Have To Remove Their Shoes Before Being Fondled
SPRINGFIELD, VA — The Transport Security Agency has officially announced that passengers will no longer have to remove their shoes before being publicly fondled.
7 Totally Plausible Explanations For What Happened To The Epstein List On Pam Bondi’s Desk
Attorney General Pam Bondi is in hot water today after the Epstein list that was "on her desk" a few months ago somehow went missing. Before you start attacking Bondi though, consider these seven totally reasonable explanations for what might have happened:
‘There Is No Epstein Client List,’ Say Epstein’s Clients
WORLD — Concerned citizens of nations around the world breathed a collective sigh of relief this week, as the individuals who comprised Jeffrey Epstein’s client list assured everyone that there was no Epstein client list.
Pastor Gently Informs Worship Leader That The ‘Thunderstruck’ Riff Is Not An Appropriate Intro For ‘Great Is Thy Faithfulness’
COLUMBUS, OH — Pastor Weyland Benjamins of Mt. Olivet Baptist Church was forced to gently reprimand the church’s worship leader yesterday by informing him that the "Thunderstruck" riff is not an appropriate intro to "Great Is Thy Faithfulness."
Bondi Explains She Was Going To Release The Epstein Files But Then Some Pedophiles Asked Her Not To
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General Pam Bondi explained today that she was really going to release all of the Epstein files, but some pedophiles asked her to please not.