NEW YORK, NY — In a concerning new report, experts said that America is still just as unprepared today for a giant monkey climbing skyscrapers as we were back in 1933.
Babylon Bee
Amazing: James Comey Finds Natural Rock Formation Spelling Out ‘EXPLODE TRUMP’S HEAD WITH A BOOMERANG’
U.S. — Former FBI Director James Comey found himself in hot water this week for posting what he claimed was a natural rock formation that appeared to spell out "EXPLODE TRUMP’S HEAD WITH A BOOMERANG.’
Man Has Extremely Blessed Day After Kindly Old Black Woman Tells Him To Have A Blessed Day
ATLANTA, GA — Local man Greg Spitzer found himself on the proverbial "cloud nine" following an encounter with a kindly old black woman who told him to have a blessed day.
Home Depot Adds Self-Deportation Kiosks
U.S. — Home Depot has begun rolling out self-deportation kiosks so local day laborers hanging around outside their stores can conveniently deport themselves for a nominal fee.
Episcopalians Find Strange Old Book Hidden Under Pew
NEW YORK, NY — According to sources, a group of Episcopalian parishioners has found a strange old book hidden underneath one of their church’s pews.
Arby’s Apologizes For Offending Their Main Customer Base Of Sad Pathetic Losers
ATLANTA, GA — Amid controversy stemming from a provocative social media post, popular fast-food chain Arby’s issued a formal apology for offending their main customer base of sad, pathetic losers.
RFK Unveils New Plan To End Childhood Obesity By Chasing Fat Kids With A Stick
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the latest expansion of the plan to make America healthy again, RFK, Jr. has just announced his intent to reduce childhood obesity in America by chasing fat kids around with a stick.
Democrats Propose Building Wall To Keep White Immigrants Out
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As debate raged over the Trump administration granting refugee status to a group of South African farmers fleeing threats to their lives in their home nation, congressional Democrats proposed building a wall to keep white immigrants out of the country.
Eyeing 2028 Presidential Bid, Gavin Newsom Distances Self From Gavin Newsom
SACRAMENTO, CA — The next race for the White House already showed signs of being in full swing, as, eyeing a potential 2028 presidential bid, California Governor Gavin Newsom took steps to distance himself from California Governor Gavin Newsom.
Furious Democrats Demand To Know Who Was Responsible For Covering Up Biden’s Decline
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats in Congress have angrily demanded answers as to who repeatedly lied to the American people in order to cover up former President Biden’s cognitive decline.