U.S. — A groundbreaking study of the factors contributing to autism has convinced scientists and doctors that autism is most likely caused by trains being so gosh darned cool.
Babylon Bee
Trump Gives Israel And Palestine Tablets To Play With So They’ll Stop Fighting
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Great Negotiator has done it again: President Donald Trump recently unveiled a genius plan to give Israel and Palestine tablets to play with so that they’ll stop fighting.
Wife Says She Stayed Up All Night Thinking About What You Said About Her Overthinking Things
SALT LAKE CITY — Local wife Alison Weaver told her husband Matt she was up all night thinking about what he told her earlier that day about her overthinking stuff too much.
Mormons Respond To Attack By Continuing To Be Amazingly Kind To Everyone
GRAND BLANC, MI — Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints responded to the tragic attacks on one of their locations by continuing to be nice and friendly to everyone they met.
Smart: This Man Joined The Mets So He Could Get Whole October Off Every Year
NEW YORK, NY — In a move experts now hail as one of the more shrewd decisions made in the professional sports world in the last several years, star baseball player Juan Soto revealed that he joined the Mets so he could get the entire month of October…
Innovative Worship Song Breaks New Ground By Having More Than 7 Different Words
KANSAS CITY, MO — A local church praise team reached a level of achievement not seen since the days of classic hymns, as a worship song written by the band leader broke new ground by having more than 7 different words.
NFL Hoping To Win Back Conservatives With Super Bowl Performance By Spanish-Speaking Man In Dress
U.S. — The National Football League is apparently working double time to win back its conservative fanbase by planning a Super Bowl halftime show with a Spanish-speaking man in a dress.
Dems Outraged By Unprecedented Political Prosecutions Of People Not Named Trump
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to several statements to the press, Democrats are outraged by the unprecedented political prosecutions of people not named Donald Trump.
‘We Don’t Need Help Against Antifa,’ Announces Portland Mayor Currently On Fire
PORTLAND, OR — Despite urgent pleas from the public to address the chaos unleashed on the city by radical leftist terrorists, the mayor of Portland downplayed the threat of Antifa and announced that the group that had just lit him on fire was completely under control.
Supporters Ask Gavin Newsom To Stop Doing Meth Before Posting On Social Media
SACRAMENTO, CA — Governor Gavin Newsom has reportedly been advised by his closest supporters to stop doing meth before posting on social media for the sake of his political career.