U.S. — A new episode of hit hospital drama Danger Hospital started with a bang an ER doctor told a patient who was definitely going to die by the end of the episode that they were going to make it.
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Support Grows For Requiring Supreme Court Justices To Pass Cognitive Tests
U.S. — As audio clips of another round of oral arguments made their way across social media, results of a new poll revealed that support continued to grow for requiring Supreme Court justices to pass cognitive tests in order to serve.
God Introduces New Hydrating, Zero Sugar Beverage With No Artificial Dyes
EARTH — Health enthusiasts received exciting news this week, as God introduced a new hydrating, zero-sugar beverage that has absolutely no artificial dyes, no carbs, and is completely devoid of any calories.
South American Countries Outraged At Being Flooded With Own Citizens
EL SALVADOR — As Trump’s deportation efforts continue, leaders from several South American countries have expressed their outrage at having their sovereign countries flooded by an influx of their own citizens.
9 Exciting New Dye-Free Foods Coming In The Wake Of RFK’s Ban
With RFK Jr.’s artificial dye ban being pushed into effect as soon as possible, corporations were sent scrambling to bring their products into compliance, resulting in a slew of new food items that will be hitting store shelves near you.
Trump’s Skin Returns To Normal Human Color After Ban On Artificial Dyes
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The leader of the free world was sporting a new look this morning, as witnesses noticed that President Donald Trump’s skin had returned to normal human color just one day after HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. began phasing out artificial dyes.
Husband Solemnly Informs Wife They Must Do Their Part To Help Nation’s Falling Birthrate
NASHVILLE, TN — Local husband Matt Wilhelm dimmed the lights and put on some soft jazz to ease the tension as he solemnly told his wife they must do their part to improve the nation’s falling birthrate.
False Alarm: Smoke Coming From Vatican Just Cardinal Steve Accidentally Burning Toast Again
VATICAN CITY — Millions excitedly awaited the imminent announcement of the new Pope after smoke poured out of the Vatican this morning, only to learn it was just Cardinal Steve burning the toast again.
Easter Bunny Dead After Meeting With JD Vance
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Inside sources confirmed the grim news this morning that the Easter Bunny was found dead yesterday, having passed away only days after having a scheduled meeting with Vice President JD Vance.
White House Tells Americans To Reply ‘STOP’ If They No Longer Wish To Receive Hegseth’s Texts About Upcoming Military Strikes
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House has advised every American to reply "STOP" if they no longer wish to receive texts about upcoming military strikes from Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.