VATICAN CITY — CNN journalists on the ground at the Vatican are reporting that behind closed doors, Pope Francis remains focused, sharp, and brimming with energy.
Babylon Bee
After Food Dye Ban, Fruity Pebbles To Be Changed To Whitey Pebbles
U.S. — Following news that HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. had officially banned artificial food dyes, Post Consumer Brands announced that it would be changing its "Fruity Pebbles" cereal to the more compliant "Whitey Pebbles."
Democrats Begin Chugging Artificial Food Dyes To Protest RFK
U.S. — On the heels of news that HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. would be banning synthetic colors in the manufacturing of foods, Democrats across the country began chugging artificial food dyes as a bold act of protest.
For First Time In History, Supreme Court Has 5 Female Justices
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A special ceremony was scheduled to be held today to mark the historic occasion, as for the first time in history, the United States Supreme Court has five female justices.
Next Pope To Be Chosen Via Ninja Warrior Obstacle Course
ROME — Following the death of Pope Francis this week, official sources at the Vatican have confirmed that the next pope will be chosen by ninja warrior obstacle course.
10 Frontrunners To Be The Next Pope
Following the passing of Pope Francis, the Catholic Church is now deep into the process of electing a new leader. While various media outlets claim to have lists of potential candidates, only The Babylon Bee has obtained the short list of true frontrunners.
MS-13 Added To LGBTQ Acronym
U.S. — In yet another step toward the advancement of protections for all people groups, activists announced today that MS-13 had officially been added to the LGBTQ+ acronym to ensure that the rights of violent foreign gang members were recognized.
Woman Hears Trumpets Indicating Christ’s Return, Frantically Begins Cleaning House
FORREST CITY, AR — According to sources, the trumpet call announcing the glorious return of Christ has sounded throughout the earth, leading local woman Amber Clark to begin frantically cleaning her home.
Christianity Today: ‘Jesus May Not Have Existed And The Bible Is A Lie And God Is Dead’
CAROL STREAM, IL — An article published by Christianity Today calls into question the existence of Jesus, argues that the Bible is a lie, and says God is dead.
Catholic Church To Consider Electing Pope Who’s A Catholic This Time
VATICAN CITY — Following the death of Pope Francis, cardinals within the Roman Catholic Church have expressed interest in electing a pope who’s actually Catholic this time.