WASHINGTON, D.C. — After vowing during his campaign to release the Epstein files, President Trump berated supporters as "stupid" and "foolish" for thinking there are Epstein files.
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Doctor Reassures Nervous Patient This Procedure Will Make Him Truckload Of Money
RALEIGH, NC — Dr. Will Higgs calmly reassured a nervous young Jessica Thompson today that the procedure he’d be performing on her would make him gobs of cash.
The Resistance Upset As Government Gets Smaller
U.S. — The winds of change in America were met with a new obstacle today, as self-professed members of the "Resistance" were upset to hear that the federal government was getting smaller.
Metadata Shows Epstein Footage Was Edited In ‘Mario Paint’
NEW YORK, NY — In news that sent the social media conspiracy theorist sphere into a frenzy, experts reported that the metadata from the security camera video released by the Department of Justice showed that the footage outside Jeffrey Epstein’s prison cell had been edited using Mario Paint.
Mattel Announces ICE Agent Ken Doll
EL SEGUNDO, CA — In a renewed effort to make inroads with conservative families in the wake of concerns over previous "woke" products, toy manufacturer Mattel announced a new ICE Agent Ken doll.
St. Peter Learning A Lot About The Bible From This John MacArthur Fellow
HEAVEN — Saint Peter is now learning a lot about the Bible from this John MacArthur fellow who just arrived in Heaven this week.
Long Line For Bathroom As There’s Only One Fire Hydrant Outside Furry Convention
DENVER, CO — Logistical challenges quickly presented themselves at a local gathering of alternative lifestyle enthusiasts, as a long line for the bathroom developed because there was only one fire hydrant outside the furry convention.
Newsom Founds Underground Railroad To Help Mexican Kids Travel To Work The Marijuana Farms
SACRAMENTO, CA — An inspiring story emerged amid the ongoing immigration controversy, as Governor Gavin Newsom founded an Underground Railroad to help Mexican kids travel to work on California’s marijuana farms.
Staff Politely Inform JD Vance The Park Is Closing And He’ll Have To Get Off Ariel’s Undersea Adventure Now
ANAHEIM, CA — A moment of awkwardness arose over the weekend, as Disneyland staff had to politely inform JD Vance that the park was closing and he would have to get off Ariel’s Undersea Adventure now.
Biden’s Teleprompter Assures Nation It Approved All Autopen Decisions
WASHINTON, D.C. — Former President Joe Biden’s teleprompter cleared up some recent controversy in a statement it released Monday, stating it personally approved of all the autopen pardons during the Biden presidency."I personally and single-handedly approved every pardon signed by the autopen machine," The teleprompter said in yellow…