HEAVEN — Charlie Kirk, faithful follower and witness of Jesus Christ, has been welcomed home to enter into the joy of his Lord.
Babylon Bee
Cities Put Daniel Penny Scarecrows On Subways To Deter Crime
U.S. — Cities across the United States are placing Daniel Penny scarecrows around municipal transportation to scare off would-be criminals.
Termites Excited As Cool Tent Placed Over House
TALLAHASSEE, FL — Termites in a home on 54th street were excited this morning as a shiny yellow and red tent was placed over the house they’ve been living in.
Colorado Authorities Warn Marijuana Consumption Could Lead To Attending Rockies Games
DENVER, CO — Authorities issued a public service announcement warning citizens to avoid smoking marijuana because it could lead to attending Colorado Rockies games.
Annual Wikipedia Fundraiser Says For Just $2.75 You Can Help Them Censor Truth
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Internet users were given another rare opportunity to play a role in the dissemination of agenda-driven misinformation, as the annual Wikipedia fundraiser said that for just $2.75, they could help censor the truth.
Greta Thunberg Reports Flotilla Struck By Jewish Space Laser
MEDITERRANEAN SEA — The international community is calling for investigations after Greta Thunberg reported that her humanitarian flotilla had suffered an unprovoked attack from a Jewish Space Laser.
7 Radical Ideas To Make Our Cities Safer
With violent crime continuing to plague American cities, the time has come for truly radical measures. Here are seven ideas for extreme changes to make our cities safer:
Tough-On-Crime Democrats Propose ‘100 Strikes And You’re Out’ Law
U.S. — Facing heavy criticism for going easy on violent criminals, a group of Democrats sought to prove that they are tough on crime by proposing a bold new "100 Strikes and You’re Out" law.
Trump Calms World By Assuring Nothing Bad Has Ever Happened After Dictator Invades Poland
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump calmed an anxious world today with assurances that nothing bad has ever happened in the wake of a vicious dictator invading Poland.
Entire City Of Ninevah Repents As Jonah Plays Stirring Rendition Of ‘Softly And Tenderly’ On Piano
NINEVAH — Eyewitnesses from Ninevah report that the entire wretched, depraved city was convicted and led to repent of its sin as Jonah quietly played the piano.