EBENSBURG, PA — Local husband Bill Schafer was surprised to learn his debit card had been locked after the bank issued a fraud alert because his wife spent less than $100 at Target.
Babylon Bee
Gandalf Tells Saruman To Stop Doom-Scrolling On Palantír
ISENGARD — According to reports coming from the tower of Orthanc, Gandalf has told his fellow wizard Saruman to stop doom-scrolling on his palantír.
Scholars Now Believe That The Prodigal Son Returned Home After His Father Changed The Netflix Password
JUDEA — New historical evidence may indicate that the prodigal son returned home after his father changed the Netflix password on him, according to scholars of the ancient world.
Jordan Peele Announces New Movie ‘STICKS’ Where White People Beat Black People With Sticks (The Sticks Are A Metaphor For Racism)
HOLLYWOOD — Comedian and horror auteur Jordan Peele announced his next project will be STICKS, a film where white people beat black people with sticks as a subtle metaphor for racism.
Cancel Culture: Leftist Fired Simply For Having A Different Opinion On Whether Conservatives Should Be Murdered
CHICAGO, IL — In what has been described as a disturbing "canceling" trend sweeping across social media, a local leftist was fired from her job simply for having a different opinion on whether conservatives should be murdered.
McGruff The Crime Dog Goes Undercover In Furry Terrorist Cell
U.S. — As federal authorities launched investigations into alleged left-wing extremist groups in the wake of acts of political violence, sources revealed that McGruff the Crime Dog had been enlisted to go undercover in a furry terrorist cell.
Millions Of Christian Extremists Gather To Pray For Those Who Want To Kill Them
U.S. — Reports from across the country reveal millions of Christian extremists gathered in groups this morning to pray for the people who want to kill them.
Democrats Wondering If Maybe They Should Stop Saying The Things Assassins Are Having Engraved On Bullets
U.S. — Democrats have begun wondering if perhaps they should stop saying the sorts of things that assassins engrave on shell casings for when they murder people.
Media Says Motives Unclear of Killer Who Wrote Manifesto Entitled ‘Here Are My Motives’
U.S. — The media has announced that the motives remain unclear of an assassin who wrote a manifesto called "Here Are My Motives."
Entire American University System Officially Designated A Terrorist Organization
U.S. — The entirety of the American higher education system has officially been designated a terrorist organization by the United States federal government.