CHICAGO, IL — White Sox fans were going wild for their team’s brand-new Citty Connect Jerseys, which vividly reflect life in Chi-Town with realistic bullet holes and blood splatters.
Babylon Bee
9 Exciting New Inclusive Barbies
With Mattel’s introduction of a Barbie doll with Type 1 diabetes, the toy industry was abuzz with rumors of other inclusive Barbie dolls that could be on the way.
Jesus’s Defense Lawyer Facepalms As Client Says ‘Yes, I Am The Messiah, And You Will See The Son Of Man Sitting At The Right Hand Of The Mighty One And Coming On The Clouds Of Heaven.’
JERUSALEM — A Galilean teacher arrested just outside the city during the night reportedly frustrated his court-appointed public defense lawyer during a Sanhedrin trial, after he stood before Caiaphas and proclaimed: "Yes, I am the Messiah, and you will see the son of man sitting at the right…
New WNBA Video Game Adds Option To Shiv Caitlin Clark
U.S. — In a feature that fans praised for bringing a new level of realism to the playing experience, developers of the WNBA mode for the new NBA 2K26 added an option to shiv Caitlin Clark.
Disaster: Liberal Goes Back In Time To Kill Hitler But Now Has No One To Compare People He Disagrees With To
GENEVA — History was unmade this week after a time traveler went back in time to kill Adolf Hitler to prevent World War II and the extermination of six million Jews. However, in a cruel twist of fate, he now had no one to compare people he disagrees…
Republicans Unveil Debt Plan: Transfer Balance To Capital One Credit Card With 0% Intro APR
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that experts said could finally resolve the deficit crisis once and for all, congressional Republicans unveiled a new debt plan to transfer the balance to a Capital One credit card with a 0% intro APR.
Former White House Doctor Denies Ever Knowing A “Joe Biden”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former White House Physician Dr. Kevin O’Connor, who served from 2020-2024, testified this morning that he has never known any person by the name of "Joe Biden."
Gone Woke: New Jurassic Park Movie Has A Woman In It
U.S. — In just the latest example of the woke virus takeover, the newest installment of the Jurassic Park franchise will reportedly have a woman in it.
After TSA Policy Change, Production Finally Resumes At Crazy Mohammed’s Shoe Bomb Factory
DAMASCUS — Following the announcement by the Transportation Security Administration that the policy requiring airline passengers to remove their footwear at airport checkpoints was being lifted, news broke that production had finally resumed at Crazy Mohammed’s Shoe Bomb Factory.
Mattel Introduces New ‘Ozempic Barbie’ With Syringe And Detachable Belly
U.S. — Toy maker Mattel has unveiled the latest in its Barbie lineup, the all-new "Ozempic Barbie" that comes with real syringes and a detachable belly for when the initially-chubby Barbie sheds that weight.