MILWAUKEE, WI — Frustrated with how slowly he’s been losing weight, 42-year-old Jack Brenson has started considering adding a second push-up to his weekly workout routine.
Babylon Bee
Hamas Agrees To Surrender If Europe Will Take Greta Thunberg Back
GAZA — The tables were turned on the infamous terrorist organization today, with horrified Hamas agreeing to a full and unconditional surrender to Israel if Europe would agree to take Greta Thunberg back.
Rockies Rewarded For 10th Win With Pizza Party At Chuck E. Cheese
DENVER, CO — Staff at a local Colorado Chuck E. Cheese were recently overrun by a horde of whooping, excited Rockies players eager to celebrate the team’s 10th win.
Adventure Party Wanted For Genociding Local Town’s Endangered Giant Rat Population
FLORINSHIRE — Wanted posters have gone up all over the land calling for the arrest of an adventure party responsible for the genocide of a local village’s endangered giant rat population.
Trump Agrees To End Tariffs On China In Exchange For Their Kung Fu Masters Teaching Him The Death Touch
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Tensions from the ongoing trade war showed signs of potentially easing up, with President Donald Trump agreeing to end tariffs on China in exchange for their Kung Fu masters teaching him the "Death Touch."
10 Out Of 10 Therapists Recommend Rolling Truck Window Down To Let Your Arm Get A Little Sun
U.S. — Welcome news greeted stressed-out Americans today, as results of a new survey indicated that 10 out of 10 therapists recommended rolling your truck window down to let your arm get a little sun.
Hamas Announces They Will Accept Ceasefire On Condition They Can Keep Killing Jews
WORLD — Hamas leadership announced Monday that they would accept a ceasefire agreement with Israel on the condition that they can keep killing Jews.
Republicans Unveil New Plan To Fix National Debt Sometime After The Return Of Christ
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Republican lawmakers unveiled a bold new plan for the federal budget: to forgo paying down the national debt in favor of waiting for the second coming of Christ and the world to be ended in fire.
10 Really Gay Things You Can Do To Celebrate Pride Month
It’s that time of year again, when the rainbows are flying everywhere you look, and super gay things are happening in more places than just Dodgers games. But what can you do to show your support?
Trump Brings In Chick-Fil-A Manager To Negotiate Peace Between Russia, Ukraine
ISTANBUL — President Trump redoubled his efforts to end the Russo-Ukrainian War by bringing in a Chick-fil-A manager to handle negotiations.