CHICAGO, IL — In an incident that brought swift condemnation from Democrats across the country, a local man was immediately arrested and charged with a hate crime for casting a shadow on a Pride crosswalk.
Babylon Bee
Fashion Faux Pas As Two Texans Both Attend Wedding Wearing The Same Gun
FORT WORTH, TX — In a regrettable fashion faux pas, two Texans came to a wedding wearing the same gun.
Colorado Rules Jews Must Bake Cake For Terrorist Who Lit Them On Fire
BOULDER, CO — The controversy surrounding a horrific attack over the weekend continued today, as a Colorado court ruled that Jewish victims must bake a cake for the terrorist who lit them on fire.
Cory Booker Announces Plan To Occupy The Rhineland
SACRAMENTO, CA — In a surprise speech, Senator Cory Booker shared his vision of sending troops to reoccupy the Rhineland, the first step in returning the Third Reich to its former glory.
Trump Signs Executive Order To Skip Pride Month, Today Now Officially July 1
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump signed an executive order this morning to skip Pride Month, thereby officially making today July first.
Scandal: Historians Determine All Of George Washington’s Orders Were Signed By Auto-Feather
MT. VERNON, VA — In a massive scandal upending centuries of historical beliefs, researchers have discovered that George Washington signed the vast majority of his orders with an auto-feather device.
Colorado Rockies Demoted To Church Softball League
DENVER, CO — After starting the season with a 9-48 record, the Colorado Rockies have been officially demoted to a church softball league.
Furious Al Gore Seen Blowing Hair Dryer At Ice Caps To Stop Them From Regrowing
ANTARCTICA — With the unexpected growth of the polar ice caps ruining his climate campaign, a frustrated Al Gore was seen blowing a hair dryer at the ice caps in a desperate bid to get them melting again.
Doctor Treats Depression By Prescribing Pack O’ Cigs And A Coors Banquet Tallboy
MEMPHIS, TN — Local internal medicine doctor Timothy Raines has found incredible success treating depression by simply prescribing one pack of cigs and a Coors Banquet tallboy.
Federal Judge Rules Trump Must Use The Bad Controller
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another outrageous display of unprecedented judicial activism, a federal judge ruled earlier today that President Donald Trump must use the bad controller.