Ever wished you could recreate that signature Starbucks coffee taste at home? You can! It’s easy, inexpensive, and best of all, tastes just like Starbucks. All you need is a pot of hot water and a heaping mound of cigarette ashes.
Babylon Bee
7 Surprising Findings From Trump’s Physical
President Trump completed his annual physical at Walter Reed yesterday, earning a clean bill of health — but with a few surprises along the way. Here are the seven most shocking findings from Trump’s exam:
Apple Warns China Tariffs Could Negatively Impact Child Slave Employment Opportunities
CUPERTINO, CA — Apple CEO Tim Cook warned today that heavy tariffs on Chinese imports could have a severe negative effect on employment opportunities for child slaves.
9 Things More Exciting Than Watching Golf
Thousands of people have gathered in Augusta, Georgia, this weekend to watch the Masters Tournament, with millions more set to spend their weekends watching it on television. While few things can match the frenzy and thrill of watching golf, they do exist.
‘Minecraft’ Revealed To Be Psyop To Prepare Kids For Return Of American Coal Mines
U.S. — It was revealed Friday that the popular video game Minecraft is an elaborate PSYOP orchestrated by the CIA to prepare kids for the return of American coal mining.
Get A Load Of This White-Knighting SIMP Saving A Princess From A Dragon
Get a load of this idiot white-knight SIMP trying to save a princess from a dragon. What a beta male!
Texas Bans Sale Of Assault Rifles With Capacity Of Less Than 30 Rounds
AUSTIN, TX — In a landmark move for the state, the Texas legislature overwhelmingly passed a bill to ban the sale of assault rifles that have a capacity of less than 30 rounds.
‘Man, People Are Going To LOVE Reading This One,’ Says Moses While Writing Leviticus
MOUNT SINAI — Hot off the success of Genesis and Exodus, Moses expressed confidence that everyone would love his follow-up work, Leviticus.
Republicans Vow To Get Really Serious About Cutting Spending In Like 20 Or 30 Years
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an inspiring show of commitment to the American people, congressional Republicans pledged to get really serious about cutting government spending in like 20 or 30 years.
China Trade War Update: Trump Classifies Panda Express As Domestic Terror Organization
U.S. — Following dueling tariff increases heading into the weekend, no end to the trade war between China and the United States was in sight, with the latest reports indicating that President Donald Trump had taken the situation up a notch by designating Panda Express as a domestic…