HOLLYWOOD, CA — According to multiple sources, screen actor Willem Dafoe has signed a deal with Paramount Pictures to take on an exciting new role where he plays someone weird.
Babylon Bee
10 Biggest And Beautifulest Parts Of Trump’s Bill
President Trump’s "Big, Beautiful Bill" is all the talk these days, but few people actually know what’s really in it.
Judge Determines Trump Will Get The Nation On Weekdays, While Musk Gets Every Other Weekend And Holidays
U.S. — As the American people sat back helplessly and watched a once-close relationship fall apart, a judge issued a ruling that President Donald Trump would get the nation on weekdays, while Elon Musk would get it every other weekend and on holidays.
Due To Tariffs On Steel, All New Cars To Be Made With Wood Paneling
DETROIT, MI — Following President Donald Trump’s recent increases in tariffs on imported steel, auto manufacturers across the country announced plans to make all new cars with wood paneling.
Federal Judge Blocks Deportation Of Terrorist’s Family, Orders Jews Lit Back On Fire
BOULDER, CO — Federal Judge Gordon Gallagher issued an emergency ruling blocking the deportation of the terrorist Mohamed Soliman and ordering the Jewish people he burned to be set back on fire.
Worship Pastor Makes Praise Songs More Accessible By Removing All References To ‘God’ And ‘Jesus’
PLACENTIA, CA — In a move lauded by progressive Christians, a local worship pastor revealed that he had made praise songs more accessible by removing all references to God and Jesus.
8 Hacks Girls Can Use To Win Track Meets In California
It’s not easy for girls to win a track meet in California these days, what with dudes now allowed to compete. But there is hope! Here are eight hacks young ladies can use against their male competitors to still come out victorious on the track:
‘Can You Bring Me A Glass Of Water Since You’re Up?’ Wife Asks Sleeping Husband
HARRISBURG, PA — According to sources, local wife and mother Karen Milton asked her sleeping husband to get her a glass of water Tuesday night, adding that she was only asking since he was already up and about,.
Scholars Now Believe Prophet Elijah Was Caught Up Into Heaven In A Fiery 1977 Pontiac Trans Am
OXFORD — According to the distinguished scholars at Oxford University, the story of the prophet Elijah being caught up to Heaven in a fiery chariot may be inaccurate. Instead, it is more plausible that Elijah was transported in a 1977 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am.
Republicans Announce Plan To Keep Doing Opposite Of What Everyone Voted For Them To Do
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional Republicans have unveiled plans to continue doing the exact opposite of what everyone voted for them to do.