NASHVILLE, TN — Authorities stated that Kilmar Abrego Garcia arrived without incident in Tennessee today, only to quickly to discover that he had trafficked seven kids from El Salvador on the flight back to the U.S.
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Simone Biles Calls For All Female Athletes To Just Give Up Like She Did
U.S. — Professional gymnast Simone Biles called on social media today for female athletes to stop trying to beat male athletes and instead just give up like she did.
Dad’s Favorite Shirt Begs For Sweet Release Of Death
LITTLETON, CO — According to sources, a local dad’s favorite t-shirt was hanging in his closet, begging for the sweet release of death.
Scientists Warn They Are Running Out Of Dystopian Sci-Fi Movies To Make Into Reality
U.S. — With rapid advancements in technology and government intrusion into the lives of citizens, scientists sounded the alarm to warn that they were running out of dystopian sci-fi movies to make into reality.
9 Surefire Ways To Bring Trump And Elon Back Together
The world watched in horror yesterday as the friendship between President Donald Trump and Elon Musk was torn asunder, but it doesn’t have to be this way. There is still hope that the two titans can make amends.
Depressed Trump Asks Melania If She’d Put On A Baseball Cap And Say Space Stuff To Cheer Him Up
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following a major online dust-up between himself and Elon Musk this week, a depressed President Donald Trump asked First Lady Melania if she’d consider putting on a black MAGA baseball cap and "saying some space stuff to me."
Man Really Regretting His New Trump-Musk Back Tattoo
ORLANDO, FL — Sources close to one local man said that the lifelong Republican was "really regretting" the Trump-Musk back tattoo he got in January.
Virus Escapes Lab In Japan Causing Millions Of Americans To Call In Sick To Work
KYOTO, JAPAN — According to sources, a secret lab located in the Kyoto Prefecture of Japan reportedly leaked a devastating virus that has caused millions of people around the world to call in sick to work.
Trump Torches Tesla Dealership
ARLINGTON, VA — Firefighters were called to the scene after several eyewitnesses claimed to have seen President Trump setting fire to a local Tesla dealership this morning.
Unearthed Ancient Sculpture Gives Insight Into How Much Ancient People Sucked At Art
MOSUL — A 5,600-year-old sculpture recently uncovered by archeologists has given art critics and researchers great insight into how much ancient people sucked at art.