THE HIGH SEAS — In a saddening, tragic turn of events, famed climate activist Greta Thunberg has been kidnapped by the Dread Pirate Roberts.
Babylon Bee
Marine Tanks Stuck In Traffic On The 405
LOS ANGELES, CA — Embattled law enforcement officers trying to keep violent protesters at bay now have to wait even longer for help, as news broke that U.S. Marine tanks had gotten stuck in traffic on the 405 freeway.
L.A. Rioter Sad As He Can’t Find Any Houses To Burn Down Since They All Burned Down In The Wildfires
LOS ANGELES — As immigration riots spread across the city, local rioter and ruffian Eduardo Perez expressed regret that he could not find any houses to burn down since they all burned down in the wildfires back in January.
Trump Nukes Los Angeles
U.S. — The LA immigration riots have come to a swift and sudden end following a decisive nuclear strike ordered by President Donald Trump.
Job’s Suffering Becomes Too Great To Bear As He Goes To Bed And Then Realizes His Sheets Are In The Wash
LAND OF UZ — According to sources, a local man named Job, who has already suffered greatly, is now facing his greatest suffering yet as he went to bed and realized that his sheets were still in the wash.
In Greatest Gymnastic Feat Yet, Simone Biles Argues That Trans Women Are Women
HOUSTON, TX — Olympic gymnast Simone Biles is astonishing spectators around the country with her greatest gymnastics feat yet: arguing that trans women are women.
Marines Deployed To Another Third-World Country Full Of Hostile Foreigners
LOS ANGELES, CA — As has become the standard operating procedure for the military branch over the last half-century, 700 members of the United States Marines found themselves being deployed to yet another third-world country that is full of hostile foreigners.
Baby Outraged As Person Holding Him Is Not Standing Up
TULSA, OK — A local baby was outraged this morning after realizing the adult holding him was sitting in a chair, rather than standing up.
Mexican Rioter Adds Lime Wedge To Molotov Cocktail
LOS ANGELES, CA — Mass protests over the federal government’s crackdown on illegal immigration received a touch of Latino flavor over the weekend, as one Mexican rioter added a lime wedge to his Molotov cocktail.
Support For Police Skyrockets After They Start Shooting Journalists
U.S. — Law enforcement agencies across the country saw a sudden surge of popularity today after word got out that they were shooting journalists with tear gas and rubber bullets.