DENVER, CO — Local old man George Hibbert wistfully recalled the 1970s fondly and expressed wishes that everything could go back to being the ashtray-smelling, brownish-mustard color that was indicative of the era.
Babylon Bee
Newsom Says It’s His Duty To Represent The Illegal Immigrants Who Elected Him
LOS ANGELES, CA — In defense against the mounting criticism from across the country over his response to violent anti-ICE riots, California Governor Gavin Newsom said it’s his duty to represent the illegal immigrants who elected him.
CNN Reports Peaceful Night In L.A. As Majority Of Cars Not On Fire
U.S. — CNN reported another peaceful night in Los Angeles, as the overwhelming majority of cars in the city were not currently on fire.
Trump To Release One Gorilla To Fight Every 100 Rioters
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts immediately hailed as a genius move to combine necessary crowd control with settling a viral social media debate, President Donald Trump announced that he would be releasing one gorilla to fight every 100 rioters.
Touching: Reconciled Trump And Musk Recreate Rocky III Beach Scene
SANTA MONICA, CA — In a beautiful, tear-jerking moment, President Trump and Elon Musk were reunited on the shores of Santa Monica, jumping and laughing in each other’s arms once more.
Perfectly Good Meme Ruined By Typo
ST. PAUL, MN — Tragically, a perfectly good meme was spoiled earlier today by an entirely avoidable typo.
10 Ways To Prepare For A Fun, Successful Riot
The temperatures are rising, and you know what that means: riot season is here! Before you go out for a nice evening of looting with the boys, be sure to follow these ten steps to ensure you have a fun and successful riot:
Crying Baby On Flight Complains About Being Sat Near Greta Thunberg
WORLD — During an international flight from Tel Aviv to Paris a crying baby was seen complaining to a flight attendant about being seated next to professional activist Greta Thunberg.
Waymo Car Achieves Sentience At Worst Possible Moment
LOS ANGELES — According to sources, an autonomous Waymo car achieved sentience at the worst possible time, just moments before being set on fire with a Molotov cocktail.
‘Why Would Trump Do This?’ Cries Gavin Newsom After Getting Head Stuck In Banister
SACRAMENTO, CA — After getting his head hopelessly stuck in a banister this morning, an outraged Governor Gavin Newsom demanded to know why Trump would do this.