CHICAGO, IL — In a new television special, survivalist icon and TV host Bear Grylls was set to embark on his most daring survival challenge yet as he attempts to survive a weekend in Chicago.
Babylon Bee
The Nightmare Is Over: Supreme Court Outlaws Candy Corn
U.S. — Americans all over the country celebrated the news that the national nightmare that had lasted for generations was finally over, as the United States Supreme Court outlawed candy corn.
Prodigal Son Returns After SNAP Benefits Expire
GALILEE — A local family rejoiced after a wayward son returned in repentance to his father, though subsequent reports claimed that this was because he just ran out of SNAP benefits.
Man Longs For Simpler Time Before Grandma Discovered Emojis
MACON, GA — Local man John Gardener expressed longing this week for a simpler, better time before his grandmother learned how to use emojis in texts and social media posts.
Embarrassed Democrats Admit They Can’t Remember Why They Shut The Government Down
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic lawmakers quietly admitted on Friday that they can’t seem to remember why they shut down the government in the first place.
Can You Spot The Differences Between These Grokipedia And Wikipedia Articles?
Elon Musk announced this week that his A.I. tool Grok would be curating a competitor to online encyclopedia giant Wikipedia called Grokipedia.
Xi Happily Drops All Tariffs After Trump Shows Him How To Use Chopsticks To Become A Walrus
GYEONGJU — Trade negotiations between the U.S. and China reached a much-needed breakthrough on Thursday, as Chinese President Xi Jinping agreed to drop all tariffs after President Donald Trump showed him how to use chopsticks to become a walrus.
Sad: This Kid’s Uncle Actually Works At Nintendo But No One Will Believe Him
SEATTLE, WA — In a cruel twist of fate, local boy Steven Brent actually has an uncle who works at Nintendo, but no one will believe him because of the popular meme.
Trump Orders Nuclear Weapons Testing To Be Carried Out By The Guys From Dude Perfect
U.S. — For the first time since 1992, the United States planned to resume nuclear weapons testing. President Donald Trump ordered the Pentagon to resume tests immediately and to "get the guys from Dude Perfect" to do it.
Idiot Tries To Rob Bank In Gotham City, Where Batman Lives
GOTHAM CITY — A foolish thief found himself in the hospital recovering from a dislocated shoulder, a fractured wrist, three broken ribs, and a shattered pelvis after foolishly trying to rob a bank in the same city where Batman lives.