CHICAGO, IL — Devoted White Sox fans were overjoyed last week to discover that Rate Field had just been fully renovated to include new premium indoor suites with no windows so that you don’t have to watch the White Sox play.
Babylon Bee
Liberals In Despair As Stock Market Recovers
NEW YORK, NY — Local stockbroker and lifelong Democrat Dean Watter fell into utter despair today, tears falling from his eyes as he watched the stock market recover.
Jasmine Crockett Floats Down Mighty Mississippi To Purchase Fresh Shipment Of Mexican Slaves
NATCHEZ, MS — Congresswoman Jasmine Crockett was seen smoking a corncob pipe and playing a diddy on her banjo as she drifted down the mighty Mississippi River on her way to purchase a fresh shipment of Mexican slaves.
Winnie The Pooh Destitute As Trump Enacts 150% Tariffs On Hundred Acre Wood
HUNDRED ACRE WOOD — Local bear Winnie the Pooh has reportedly been left completely destitute after Trump enacted 150% tariffs on the Hundred Acre Wood earlier this week.
‘How About Genetic Scientists Try Making Young Men Who Aren’t Little Sissy Boys’ – Frank T. Rutherford
Down at the VFW today, the boys were saying that some boneheads used a bunch of test tubes to make an extinct wolf come back to life. As if what we needed in this country was more wolves! These so-called "scientist" bums haven’t done anything good since penicillin.
Trump Bangs Gong Signaling Another Increase In China Tariffs
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The global trade war reached a new level this morning, as President Donald Trump banged a giant gong to signal yet another increase in tariffs on goods being imported from China.
John Oliver Says Men Clearly Have No Physical Advantage As Women Beat Him At Everything
NEW YORK CITY — Media personality John Oliver dedicated an entire episode of Last Week Tonight to arguing that men could not possibly have innate physical advantages over women, seeing as how women always beat him at everything.
Is It OK To Date A Girl Who’s Not A Christian As Long As She’s Super Hot?
I know there are Bible verses that say it’s bad to be "unequally yoked" with a non-believer — but what if she is really hot?
Trump Announces HUGE Blowout Sale On Stocks
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite the gloomy outlook reported in the media by countless economists and market experts, President Donald Trump put a positive spin on the current financial climate by announcing a huge blowout sale on all stocks.
Here Are The Products Most Affected By Tariffs In Each Country
Trump has imposed tariffs on nearly every country on earth, leading to economic uncertainty and market panic. To ease the burden of these new taxes, countries are raising the retail cost of their exported goods. But not all products are affected equally.