WASHINGTON, D.C. — Illinois Governor JB Pritzker reportedly joined the fray as a law enforcement officer in the nation’s capital in hopes of getting a sandwich thrown at him.
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10 Telltale Signs Of Dangerous Authoritarianism
In case you haven’t already heard, you’re living in an oppressive, authoritarian dictatorship now. Don’t believe it? It’s easy to see once you know what to look for.
Renaissance Artist Finishes Masterpiece That Will One Day Be Great Training Data For AI
ROME — Renaissance artist Vicente De Antonio put the finishing touches on a new painting that he hoped would someday be used to train AI on how to recreate Renaissance paintings.
Federal Court Requires Nuns To Start Worshiping Molech
PHILADELPHIA, PA — In a landmark ruling that was sure to have far-reaching consequences, a federal court ruled that a group of Catholic nuns would be immediately required to start worshiping Molech.
Gavin Newsom Vows To Double California’s Violent Crime If Trump Doesn’t Stop Cleaning Up D.C.
SACRAMENTO, CA — In his ongoing public sparring with the administration over its agenda, Governor Gavin Newsom vowed to double California’s violent crime rate if President Donald Trump refused to stop cleaning up Washington, D.C.
Trump Heads to Alaska to Negotiate Historic Truce Between Humans, Bears
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump departed the White House today, with Air Force One scheduled to touch down at Joint Base Elmendorf-Richardson (JBER) ahead of a historic meeting to broker a truce between humans and bears.
Adam Schiff Worried Legal Troubles Will Make It Hard For Him To Afford His Upcoming Head Reduction Surgery
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of a whistleblower’s claim that he approved the leaking of classified information in an attempt to take down President Donald Trump, Senator Adam Schiff expressed worry that his legal troubles would make it hard for him to afford his upcoming head reduction…
Investigation: Mysterious Bettor ‘Shoberto Ohnandez’ Placed $15 Million Wager On Angels Last Night
LOS ANGELES — An investigation has revealed that a secretive bettor going by the name "Shoberto Ohnandez" placed a massive $15 million wager on the Los Angeles Angels to win last night.
Dallas Cowboys Ask If Fans Can Throw Those Green Things At Them Like People Do At WNBA Games
DALLAS — After viewing footage of the controversial items being thrown at WNBA games, Cowboys players expressed a degree of interest in having similar objects thrown at them this season.
Man’s Self Esteem Yet To Recover From Time 7 Years Ago Online Quiz Put Him In Hufflepuff
DAVENPORT, IA — According to insiders, the self esteem of local man Jacob Filch has yet to recover from a time seven years prior when an online Harry Potter quiz put him in Hufflepuff.