LANDOVER, MD — As part of a deal for the construction of a new stadium, the Washington Commanders, formerly the Washington Redskins, have agreed to change their name to the Washington Bloodthirsty Injuns.
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Hunter Biden Warns That Without Illegal Immigrants, The Price Of Prostitutes And Crack Will Skyrocket
WILMINGTON, DE — As part of a wide-ranging sit-down interview released on YouTube, Hunter Biden warned Americans that, without illegal immigrants, the price of crack cocaine and prostitutes would skyrocket.
Masters University Hall Of Presidents Unveils Animatronic John MacArthur
SANTA CLARITA, CA — Imagineers at Master’s University put the final touches on a lifelike animatronic of Dr. John MacArthur and installed him in the university’s Hall of Presidents early Monday, to much fanfare.
Minneapolis Mayoral Candidate Introduces Plan To Revitalize The City By Hijacking Other Cities And Plundering Their Treasure
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — As part of his revolutionary campaign platform, Minneapolis mayoral candidate Omar Fateh introduced a plan to revitalize the city by hijacking other cities and plundering their treasure.
Obama Argues He Can’t Be Charged With Treason Since He Wasn’t Born In America
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a blow to hopes from conservatives that the former president would face severe consequences for allegedly overseeing an attempt to deligitimize the Trump presidency, Barack Obama argued that he can’t be charged with treason since he wasn’t born in America and isn’t a legitimate…
Elmo Decries Defunding Of PBS As A Jewish Conspiracy
U.S. — Longtime Sesame Street resident Elmo decried the federal government’s defunding of PBS as an "obvious Jewish conpsiracy."
FASCISM ALERT: Show That Wasn’t Making Money Canceled
NEW YORK CITY — In a stunning example of rampant fascism, a TV network cancelled a show that wasn’t making any money and had terrible ratings.
Media Unconcerned With Circulation To Biden’s Brain Deeply Concerned About Circulation To Trump’s Ankles
U.S. — The news media which remained unconcerned for four years by the lack of circulation to former President Biden’s brain have expressed deep concern over the circulation in President Trump’s ankles.
Ten Ideas For Better Shows To Replace ‘The Late Show’ With Stephen Colbert
After announcing the cancellation of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, CBS is hard at work searching for a better program to replace their old flagship. Here are ten great ideas that would be way better than The Late Show:
Avoid Getting Exposed Cheating On Your Wife With Your HR Chick At A Coldplay Concert With This One Weird Trick
Have you found yourself wondering how you could prevent the shame and horror of having it found out that you’re being unfaithful to your spouse while canoodling with a fellow executive at your company at a public event? One simple trick is all it takes.
Baptists Hold Conclave To Select The Next John MacArthur
NASHVILLE, TN — Following the passing of Pastor John MacArthur, Baptists announced that they would be holding a conclave to select the next John MacArthur.
Republicans Celebrate $9 Billion In Spending Cuts After Passing Bill That Adds $3 Trillion To National Debt
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional Republicans were publicly congratulating themselves this week, celebrating $9 billion in spending cuts shortly after passing a bill that will add $3 trillion to the national debt.
David And Bathsheba Caught On Kiss Cam At Concert
JERUSALEM — According to palace sources, an egregious sin committed by King David and Bathsheba was exposed to the public after they were caught on a kiss cam at Levite concert.
Winning: DOJ Announces They Have Arrested Man Responsible For Creating Microsoft OneDrive
U.S. — In an afternoon press conference, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi proudly announced that the man responsible for Microsoft OneDrive had been arrested, ending an almost 20-year-long reign of terror that affected millions.
WSJ Reveals Trump Once Wrote ‘BOOBS’ On A Calculator And Showed It To Epstein
U.S. — In a shocking exposé that threatened to topple the presidential administration, the Wall Street Journal revealed that Donald Trump once wrote "BOOBS" on a calculator and showed it to Jeffrey Epstein.
State-Run Propaganda Program Shut Down
NEW YORK, NY — Along with NPR and PBS, a state-run propaganda program hosted by Stephen Colbert announced it would be shutting down due to a loss of funding.
9 Movies That Should Be Part Of The Biblical Canon
As great as the Bible is, it’s severely lacking in movies. Adding in some of the greatest films ever made could bring some much-needed excitement to the collection of holy scripture.
Terrifying Study Reveals There Are Still People Getting Vaccinated For COVID
U.S. — A terrifying study has confirmed what some already feared: there are people still getting vaccinated for COVID.
UK Muslims Demand Voting Age Be Lowered To 13 So Their Wives Can Vote
LONDON — In a protest to make the nation’s democratic process more inclusive, Muslims in the United Kingdom marched to demand that the voting age be lowered to 13 so their wives would be able to vote.
Man’s Life Going So Well He Has To Find Stuff On The Internet To Get Angry About
NORTH PLATTE, NE — One local man admitted that everything in his life was going so well lately that he was forced to go find stuff on the internet that he could get angry about.
Israel Levels Sesame Street With Targeted Airstrikes
SESAME STREET — Humans and Muppets were seen fleeing in terror with chaos descending from the skies, as Israel leveled Sesame Street with a series of precisely targeted airstrikes.
Weird But True: Jesus Died For Man Currently Eating Burrito In 2003 Honda Civic
WORLD — Recent reports indicated that Jesus died for sinners all over the planet, including this gentleman who was currently demolishing a Taco Bell Grilled Stuft Burrito, alone in the driver’s seat of his 2003 Honda Civic.
Winning: Trump Announces Mexican Coke Will Now Be Made In America
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another sign of the New Golden Age being ushered in under his administration, President Donald Trump announced that Mexican Coke would now be made in America.
Bible Scholars Now Believe The Seventh Seal In The Book Of Revelation Is The Full Release Of The Epstein List
LONDON — In the wake of recent geopolitical developments, a team of esteemed biblical scholars said they now believe that the seventh seal in the book of Revelation was likely to be the release of the Epstein list.
9 Killer Gifts Your Husband Secretly Wants But Isn’t Telling You
There are certain gifts out there that every man wants, but won’t tell their wives about. Ladies, we’re about to pull back the curtain. Here are nine absolutely killer gifts your husband deeply desires, but will never mention:
Integrity: This Man Says Stupid Things On The Internet And No One Is Paying Him To Do It
BATAVIA, IL — According to sources, local man Carson Fitzgerald is showing the world what true integrity looks like by saying unbelievably stupid things on the internet even though no one is paying him to do so.
Satan Announces Hell’s Game Of The Day Once Again ‘The Floor Is Lava’
SEVENTH CIRCLE, HELL — Satan announced over Hell’s public address system this morning that game of the day would once again be "The Floor Is Lava."
Joe Biden States He Absolutely Would Have Approved All The Presidential Pardons If He Had Known About Them
GREENVILLE, DE — In a rare public appearance after leaving office in January, former President Joe Biden stated that he absolutely would have approved all of his presidential pardons if he had known about them.
Man Who Vowed To Release Epstein Files Berates Idiots For Believing There Are Epstein Files
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After vowing during his campaign to release the Epstein files, President Trump berated supporters as "stupid" and "foolish" for thinking there are Epstein files.
Doctor Reassures Nervous Patient This Procedure Will Make Him Truckload Of Money
RALEIGH, NC — Dr. Will Higgs calmly reassured a nervous young Jessica Thompson today that the procedure he’d be performing on her would make him gobs of cash.