CHICAGO, IL — In what has been described as a disturbing "canceling" trend sweeping across social media, a local leftist was fired from her job simply for having a different opinion on whether conservatives should be murdered.
Babylon Bee
McGruff The Crime Dog Goes Undercover In Furry Terrorist Cell
U.S. — As federal authorities launched investigations into alleged left-wing extremist groups in the wake of acts of political violence, sources revealed that McGruff the Crime Dog had been enlisted to go undercover in a furry terrorist cell.
Millions Of Christian Extremists Gather To Pray For Those Who Want To Kill Them
U.S. — Reports from across the country reveal millions of Christian extremists gathered in groups this morning to pray for the people who want to kill them.
Democrats Wondering If Maybe They Should Stop Saying The Things Assassins Are Having Engraved On Bullets
U.S. — Democrats have begun wondering if perhaps they should stop saying the sorts of things that assassins engrave on shell casings for when they murder people.
Media Says Motives Unclear of Killer Who Wrote Manifesto Entitled ‘Here Are My Motives’
U.S. — The media has announced that the motives remain unclear of an assassin who wrote a manifesto called "Here Are My Motives."
Entire American University System Officially Designated A Terrorist Organization
U.S. — The entirety of the American higher education system has officially been designated a terrorist organization by the United States federal government.
Universities Quietly Cancel ‘Kill Conservatives 101’ Courses
U.S. — In the days following the assassination of Charlie Kirk, universities across the country were quietly canceling their "Kill Conservatives 101" classes.
‘I Hope Someone Names A Frozen Pizza After Me’ Thinks Red Baron While Being Shot Down In WWI Dogfight
VAUX-SUR-SOMME — New evidence has led historians to suggest that Manfred von Richthofen — known as the "Red Baron" — briefly entertained the hope of someday having a line of frozen pizzas named after him as he was shot down in a World War I dogfight.
‘Ladies And Gentlemen, We Got Him,’ Announces FBI After Killer Turns Himself In
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Officials from the Federal Bureau of Investigation held a congratulatory press conference on Friday to notify the public that the agency had successfully apprehended the man suspected of murdering conservative activist Charlie Kirk after the shooter turned himself in.
Dad Teaches Son Importance Of Doing Your Own Oil Changes So It Will Take Longer And Cost More
BLOOMINGTON, IL — Neighbors were impressed by local man Marcus Hardwick, who took the time to pass on generational knowledge to his son about how to change your car’s oil yourself, so it will take longer and cost more.
12 Million Charlie Kirks Created Overnight
U.S. — Experts revealed that an estimated 12 million new Charlie Kirks had been created overnight following the murder of the conservative echelon earlier this week. The army of Charlie Kirks was said to be uniformly committed to continuing the original Kirk’s message and mission of hope and…
Heaven Confirms Pastors Are Allowed To Speed On Way To Church
HEAVEN — According to heavenly sources, church pastors are officially exempt from all posted speeding limits and well within their rights to speed on the way to church.
Democrats Say There’s No Place For Violence Against Evil Nazi Republicans That Are Literally Killing People And Destroying America
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Several prominent Democrats issued statements this week, condemning the recent assassination of a man who shared his opinion by saying there is absolutely no place for violence against evil Nazi Republicans who are literally killing people and destroying America.
Report: Fathers Hugging Their Kids Tighter Today
U.S. — In the face of what seems at times to be overwhelming darkness, a new report suggested that millions of fathers throughout the country would be hugging their kids tighter today.
‘Why Won’t Conservatives Give Up Their Guns?’ Ask The People Shooting At Them
U.S. — A new poll suggested ongoing confusion as to why conservatives won’t give up their guns among those who keep shooting at them.
Democrats Condemn Violence They Incited
U.S. — Hours after the brutal assassination of conservative activist Charlie Kirk, Democrats rushed to forcefully condemn all the violence they incited.
World Deemed Unworthy Of Charlie Kirk
HEAVEN — Charlie Kirk, faithful follower and witness of Jesus Christ, has been welcomed home to enter into the joy of his Lord.
Cities Put Daniel Penny Scarecrows On Subways To Deter Crime
U.S. — Cities across the United States are placing Daniel Penny scarecrows around municipal transportation to scare off would-be criminals.
Termites Excited As Cool Tent Placed Over House
TALLAHASSEE, FL — Termites in a home on 54th street were excited this morning as a shiny yellow and red tent was placed over the house they’ve been living in.
Colorado Authorities Warn Marijuana Consumption Could Lead To Attending Rockies Games
DENVER, CO — Authorities issued a public service announcement warning citizens to avoid smoking marijuana because it could lead to attending Colorado Rockies games.
Annual Wikipedia Fundraiser Says For Just $2.75 You Can Help Them Censor Truth
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Internet users were given another rare opportunity to play a role in the dissemination of agenda-driven misinformation, as the annual Wikipedia fundraiser said that for just $2.75, they could help censor the truth.
Greta Thunberg Reports Flotilla Struck By Jewish Space Laser
MEDITERRANEAN SEA — The international community is calling for investigations after Greta Thunberg reported that her humanitarian flotilla had suffered an unprovoked attack from a Jewish Space Laser.
7 Radical Ideas To Make Our Cities Safer
With violent crime continuing to plague American cities, the time has come for truly radical measures. Here are seven ideas for extreme changes to make our cities safer:
Tough-On-Crime Democrats Propose ‘100 Strikes And You’re Out’ Law
U.S. — Facing heavy criticism for going easy on violent criminals, a group of Democrats sought to prove that they are tough on crime by proposing a bold new "100 Strikes and You’re Out" law.
Trump Calms World By Assuring Nothing Bad Has Ever Happened After Dictator Invades Poland
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump calmed an anxious world today with assurances that nothing bad has ever happened in the wake of a vicious dictator invading Poland.
Entire City Of Ninevah Repents As Jonah Plays Stirring Rendition Of ‘Softly And Tenderly’ On Piano
NINEVAH — Eyewitnesses from Ninevah report that the entire wretched, depraved city was convicted and led to repent of its sin as Jonah quietly played the piano.
Trump Deports Phillies Karen To El Salvador Prison
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump announced the immediate deportation of the infamous "Phillies Karen," a woman who complained until a baseball was taken from a child, to an El Salvador Prison.
Navy Airdrops Public Defender Onto Drug Boat To Give Cartel Members Due Process
GULF OF MEXICO — In a compromise intended to silence critics of the Trump Administration’s aggressive stance against drug traffickers, the U.S. Navy airdropped a public defender onto a drug boat to give cartel members due process.
Parents Meeting With Teacher Shocked To Learn How Responsible, Respectful, And Kind Their Child Is While At School
RACINE, WI — Jim and Linda Stevenson were in for a shock at this year’s teachers’ meetings when their son’s third-grade teacher informed them of how responsible, respectful, and kind their child was while at school.
David Condemned For Executing Goliath Without Due Process
VALLEY OF ELAH — What should have been a joyous celebration following a decisive victory over the Philistines turned to controversy, as the young shepherd boy David was condemned for executing the giant Goliath of Gath without due process.