SACRAMENTO, CA — In a surprise speech, Senator Cory Booker shared his vision of sending troops to reoccupy the Rhineland, the first step in returning the Third Reich to its former glory.
Babylon Bee
Trump Signs Executive Order To Skip Pride Month, Today Now Officially July 1
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump signed an executive order this morning to skip Pride Month, thereby officially making today July first.
Scandal: Historians Determine All Of George Washington’s Orders Were Signed By Auto-Feather
MT. VERNON, VA — In a massive scandal upending centuries of historical beliefs, researchers have discovered that George Washington signed the vast majority of his orders with an auto-feather device.
Colorado Rockies Demoted To Church Softball League
DENVER, CO — After starting the season with a 9-48 record, the Colorado Rockies have been officially demoted to a church softball league.
Furious Al Gore Seen Blowing Hair Dryer At Ice Caps To Stop Them From Regrowing
ANTARCTICA — With the unexpected growth of the polar ice caps ruining his climate campaign, a frustrated Al Gore was seen blowing a hair dryer at the ice caps in a desperate bid to get them melting again.
Doctor Treats Depression By Prescribing Pack O’ Cigs And A Coors Banquet Tallboy
MEMPHIS, TN — Local internal medicine doctor Timothy Raines has found incredible success treating depression by simply prescribing one pack of cigs and a Coors Banquet tallboy.
Federal Judge Rules Trump Must Use The Bad Controller
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another outrageous display of unprecedented judicial activism, a federal judge ruled earlier today that President Donald Trump must use the bad controller.
Elon Musk Extends Glowing Finger To Trump Before Stepping Into Rocket And Blasting Off
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a beautiful and heart-rending moment, Elon Musk extended a glowing finger to touch President Trump’s forehead before stepping into a rocket and returning to outer space with his people.
Health Experts Warn ‘Hamilton’ May Be Gateway To More Flamboyant Musicals
U.S. — Startling new data from health experts has shown that the musical Hamilton may be a gateway to far more flamboyant musicals.
Fun New Ark Of The Covenant Playset Actually Kills You If You Touch It
U.S. — American toy and playset manufacturer Little Tikes announced an exciting new playset modeled after the ancient Ark of the Covenant that actually kills you if you touch it.
Trump Aides Shocked To Find Biden’s Autopen Still Signing Bills In Storage Closet
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Aides in the White House were shocked this week to find former President Joe Biden’s autopen still signing bills in a storage closet.
Tom Cruise Kicking Himself After Learning He Could Have Been Using CGI This Whole Time
CLEARWATER, FL — Superstar actor Tom Cruise, fresh off a promotional tour for Mission: Impossible – The Final Reckoning, was reportedly kicking himself after learning that he could have been using CGI for stunts this whole time.
Palestine Distances Itself From Imagine Dragons
GAZA — In a statement issued to all media outlets, Palestine officially distanced itself from popular music group Imagine Dragons following the band’s recent waving of a Palestinian flag during a concert in Milan.
9 Changes Coming To HBO Max’s Harry Potter
Harry Potter is moving to the small screen with a streaming series on HBO Max — but with some much-needed changes. Everyone knows Snape is now black, but here are nine other changes coming to HBO’s Harry Potter series:
FBI Announces Epstein Killed Himself, Confirming Once And For All That Epstein Didn’t Kill Himself
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Federal Bureau of Investigation made a definitive statement concluding that billionaire Jeffrey Epstein killed himself, confirming once and for all that Jeffrey Epstein did not kill himself.
Federal Judge Overturns Law Of Gravity
U.S. — The country was thrown into chaos this morning as a federal judge from the D.C. District Court overturned the law of gravity nationwide.
Church Planters Meet To Brainstorm Dumbest Possible Name For Their New Church
HOUSTON, TX — According to sources close to the discussion, a group of evangelicals met at a local coffee shop to brainstorm the dumbest possible name for the new church they were planting in the area.
Elon Musk Leaves Job Of Making Government More Efficient For Much Easier Job Of Sending Humans To Mars
U.S. — Washington was abuzz with the news that Elon Musk had officially stepped down from his duties as head of the Department of Government Efficiency. Musk said he will now spend his time tackling the much easier job of sending human beings to Mars.
10 Ways Democrats Plan To Win Back Men
The Democratic Party is struggling with approval among men. They know they’re going to have to turn that around if they want to have any chance in 2028.
Man Got 90% Of His Advanced Vocabulary From ‘Calvin And Hobbes’
ST. PAUL, MN — Local 33-year-old Peter Winstead was stupendously flabbergasted earlier today to find that over 90% of his advanced vocabulary had been acquired from reading Calvin and Hobbes.
White House Asks Judge If There’s Anything The President Is Actually Allowed To Do
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an attempt to clear up lingering confusion over the role of the nation’s chief executive and avoid ongoing injunctions to block executive actions, the White House asked a federal judge if there’s anything the president is actually allowed to do.
‘I’m Comfortable With My Masculinity’ Says Man With Zero Masculinity
ANN ARBOR, MI — According to sources, local man Florian Beeve has stated that he is "very" comfortable with his masculinity, despite having no masculinity whatsoever.
UK Finally Cracks Down On Muslim Rapists
LONDON — Following years of leniency amidst increasing reports of widespread sexual assaults, the United Kingdom’s Home Office, in conjunction with the Metropolitan Police Service, finally announced a crackdown on Muslim rapists.
American Students Unsure Who To Cheat Off After Trump Revokes Chinese Student Visas
U.S. — According to reports, the Trump administration was revoking thousands of Chinese student visas, leaving American students in danger of having no one to cheat off of.
Joe Biden: In Memoriam [Do Not Post Until Biden Dies]
The Babylon Bee was saddened to learn of the passing of former President Joe Biden. [Note: Make sure this does not get published until it is 100% confirmed that he died.]
With Ban On International Students, Harvard Forced To Begin Accepting Students From Ohio
CAMBRIDGE, MA — With the Trump administration banning Harvard University from taking international students, the school was forced to begin accepting students from Ohio.
Housewarming Party Kicks Off With Land Acknowledgement For The Johnsons Who Lived There Since 2019
WARWICK, RI — A housewarming party for the Banning family reportedly started with a powerful land acknowledgment statement honoring the Johnson family who had previously lived in the home since 2019.
Dems Unveil Plan To Win Back Men By Having Gay Guy Grow A Beard
U.S. — After spending hundreds of millions of dollars on political consultants to learn how to win men back, the Democratic Party unveiled its new strategy of having a gay guy grow a beard.
11 Racial Slurs Commonly Yelled At WNBA Games
After WNBA players reported racial slurs being yelled by fans, the league launched an investigation which turned up truly sickening results. Here are the eleven racial slurs that are often heard at WNBA games:
27-Hour Stalemate As Mormons Knock On Door Of Jehovah’s Witnesses
BOISE, ID — A still-ongoing 27-hour stalemate ensued after two Mormon missionaries knocked on the door of a family of Jehovah’s Witnesses.