GAZA — The few remaining terrorists keeping up the fight against Israel acknowledged their grim circumstances this week, as the three surviving members of Hamas started to think that maybe their October 7, 2023, wasn’t such a great idea.
Babylon Bee
Parents Worried Non-Violent Video Games Turning Kids Into Sissies
U.S. — The results of a new study on violent video games appear to show that parents are concerned that non-violent video games are turning their kids into sissies.
Chicago Mayor Hoping His ICE-Free Zones Work Better Than His Gun-Free Zones
CHICAGO, IL — As the city seeks to push back against President Donald Trump’s efforts to enforce immigration law, Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson told his aides that he hoped their "ICE-Free Zones" would work a lot better than their "Gun-Free Zones."
Church Organist Close To Figuring Out What All These Pedals And Buttons Are For
GRAND RAPIDS, MI — A new milestone in church history was in the verge of being reached this week, as the organist at St. Stephen Lutheran Church was reportedly close to figuring out what all those pedals and buttons are for.
9 Terrifying Changes Bari Weiss Is Making At CBS News
Journalist Bari Weiss has taken over CBS news, which may be the end of journalism as we know it. Sources say she is already making aggressive changes to the network.
As Shutdown Continues, Feral Government Workers Begin Roaming Streets In Packs
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the shutdown of the federal government continues, feral government workers have begun to roam American streets in packs.
Bill Burr Lands Stand-Up Comedy Gig On Jabba’s Sail Barge
DUNE SEA — Comedian Bill Burr has reportedly accepted an offer to perform on Khettana, a luxury sail barge owned by Jabba the Hutt.
Federal Judge Orders National Guard To Shoot Pepper Spray In Own Eyes
U.S. — In a brave act of judicial resistance to Trump’s executive tyranny, District Judge Karin Immergut has ordered the National Guard to shoot pepper spray into their own eyes.
Mark Sanchez Sentenced To Five More Seasons With The New York Jets
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Legal analysts were stunned by the severity of the penalty handed down in the wake of a weekend stabbing incident, as former NFL player Mark Sanchez was sentenced to five more seasons with the New York Jets.
Jay Jones Unwinds After Stressful Day By Repeatedly Stabbing His Republican Voodoo Doll
NORFOLK, VA — State attorney general nominee Jay Jones was seen relaxing after a stressful day on the campaign trail by repeatedly stabbing his trusty Republican voodoo doll.